Friday, January 30, 2009

"...life is but a dream..."

that you were my first love
was just dumb luck
a technicality
you were ahead of me

that you were my first love
was just dumb, dumb, stupid luck
a technicality
you will always be ahead of me...

so why'd I have to practice on you?
so why'd I have to practice on you?


-----------------------------------------------------

curiously, i knew it wouldn't last forever--
your affection, as well as the depression
that set in as you walked out.
it was just too selfish, that love of mine
(sometimes, i wonder if it was love at all)
too much idol-worship, too little self-esteem,
too much i just want you to be the one.
i knew it wouldn't last forever.

once upon a time, these words made me cry
like, in a ball, all five feet, nine inches of me,
curled up as tight as newborn eyes pre-sight.
once, last march, i sat at the table in my kitchen
in the town you forever changed for me
and i asked the muggy air and sun-lit clouds
why exactly, i had to practice my selfish, idiotic, over-indulgent
first
brand of love on you,
caribbean god,
why exactly did it have to be you?

my answer never came, nope,
not in a booming voice accompanied by thunder,
and not in the form of you
ending your engagement
and showing up in front of my door,
hands full of yellow roses,
with that crooked, birthmarked smile of yours.
nope, my answer never came that way,
but in the whispers of God,
in the little moments when my tears
turned to smiles
and my smiles, to laughter
over the beauty in my folly that once was everything i wanted.

now i have my answer,
and there was never any dumb luck involved
in the fact that you were first.
for your instantaneous kindness
and belief in me
when even i lacked the confidence that i had anything to offer the world
was the most positive of tests
i could ever look to assign another man.

and maybe that selfish, freshman love
could have blossomed beautifully had it been given time
it was not meant to have
or maybe it would have ended badly
as it did already
but despite the fact
that you no longer care
to ever read another thing i may ever say to you
for you, about you, from you, or because of you,
because of you
i finally learned the ferocity
of the immature love
i had so desperately wanted
and now regard solely in after-thoughts.

2 comments:

Manda The Magnificent said...

You are truely such an amazing writer. I look forward to reading everything you have everyday. I read this first (http://www.examiner.com/x-1776-Orlando-Singles-Adventures-Examiner~y2009m2d24-It-was-but-my-first-love) and your article changed everything about what i've been thinking. I went through it too at such a young, vunerable age and I have NEVER thought about it the way you wrote about. I can't thank you enough, this helped me so much you had no idea.

Miss Malorie said...

*blushes*

Why thank you so much. You have no idea what your comments mean to me. I am so glad that anything that I write can affect your viewpoint, at all! It's just me, sharing my little thoughts about the little experience I've had :)

It was a long, winding road for me to get to the place I was when I wrote that article, and this poem, a road that now seems a bit ridiculous and way too long, but I'm glad to share my experiences along that road with people, so that maybe it can help someone (as I see it has :)

Unless otherwise indicated, all words here are property of Miss Malorie

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