Tuesday, March 31, 2009

darkness to light

it was the first time i've ever prayed when anyone could hear me.
i'm very funny about that shit.
my prayers have always been encased in darkness,
selfishly begging Him to deliver my at last... kind of love to me
because my heart was too tired of waiting
and my work ethic was too lazy to keep trying.
they've always been inundated by my tears,
begging for the forgiveness i didn't have the heart
to grant myself;
still pleading for that it's so amazing to be loved kind of love
to touch my heart
and make it all alright.
but, i've noticed
for a while
that those clandestine prayers
started manifesting themselves
outside of my unlit bedroom
and away from the confines of my tears--
they ride in my car, in the broad, humid daylight of afternoon;
they hang with me in the morning
when my world's sight is still fuzzy
and i pray a word of gratitude for being allowed to wake.
it's now not so much
deliver the love of my life to me
but more so
i pray that the love i feel is attune with Your will
and the forgiveness i never gave myself
has landed in my heart
with the soundest of anchors.
and today, i prayed aloud
in front of others
thanking you for the opportunity You've given us all
and, for once, not feeling like that little girl
on the outside of the circle.

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