Wednesday, March 25, 2009

this is familiar territory

when it hurts so bad (so bad, so bad)
when it hurts so bad,
why does it feel, so good?
when it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad...

I read in an advice column today that when you break-up with someone, you should write them a letter of all the things you want to say, but then never send the letter, because you don't want them to know that you're still hung-up on them. Well, I'm not big on deception. And as a chick who spent her entire adolescent life writing letters to boys whom would never know (and in those cases, rightfully that they didn't) how I felt, I'm over the whole writing a letter never to be sent stage. I became so very comfortable with writing a long time ago, but writing, for me, was a way to suppress through expression.

Oh sure, I expressed plenty... only to the paper in front of me. But I suppressed the emotions I felt, and they never got a chance to live properly. Which usually lead to them being manifested in other situations. I'm over suppressing my emotions. No matter how ridiculous they may be, or how much I might not like them, they do deserve a chance to live. So that they can be free to progress--whether they progress into deeper territory, or whether they progress into the shadows of what used to be.

Even this is a bit of a cop-out: there's all the possibility in the world that you could read this, but I bet you probably won't. But, in the not-knowing, there lies the possibility of hope. The audacity, as Mr. President would say, of hope. And it is an audacious little bitch, don't you think?

Hope will take your heart on more rides than you can anticipate. Hope will continue to live, even when you try your best to suffocate it and extinguish it. In one of my favorite books (Between Lovers by Eric Jerome Dickey), one of his characters says that hope has trapped many a fool. And some days, I think that's true. And some days, I think that it's the only thing to keep a heart going, foolish and hurtful though it may be. That's probably my hope talking.

But if not for unseen things like hope, and faith, and trust, what would we have? Would reality be enough to sustain us? I think not.

It is said that just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there, and it is also said that things are not always as they seem. I don't know. I don't know. I'm tired of trying to analyze; I'm tired of the hope; I'm tired of the hurt feelings, and I'm so beyond tired of my feelings ALWAYS getting deep before someone else's. How much of a relief it must be to be the one sitting on the other side of the room telling someone, essentially, that you are pulling your feelings out of a relationship. Or, that you don't see your feelings getting that deep. Or, that there's nothing that will make you get back together... even though there was nothing hugely wrong with the relationship.

Hmmm... must be nice. While someone else is standing on the other side of the room on top of dry grass, my fucking leg is trapped in quicksand. And the more my heart pumps and beats, and the more I long for you, the deeper my leg gets in the quicksand.

Like I said before, the frustration will someday go, and knowing that is very helpful. But you still have to navigate through the quicksand in order to get to that grassy side. Maybe we'll be friends. Maybe. Maybe. if i can shut my fucking heart and calm its incessant ranting for the great guy you were to me, and i guess you will get to be for someone else.


AGrlCanMAC said...

OmG! I'm def experiencing the very last paragraph!

Miss Malorie said...

Glad to know I'm not in the boat alone! It's a rough place to be, that's for sure, lol. But as I always say (since I'm so used to this bullshit lol), "what else is new?" lol ;)

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