Sunday, May 10, 2009

as it comes into focus...

So, I had this great fucking post... and Blogger didn't save it like it said it did... so now I'm very upset. Like, really really upset. Thanks a lot!

*she's pissed*

So, now that I don't feel like trying to recreate the blog that took me like half-an-hour to do in the first place, I guess I'll have to give you the nitty gritty of it all.... fuckin' A man...

--my friend had a grad party last night... and I had such a great time, and I love love love his family... which is rare (meaning it's rare for me to get comfortable and chill with someone's family like that). We took whiskey shots with his dad, his mom made me piƱa coladas, I talked to his aunt and his hilarious (!) grandmother, we danced to old school music, new school music, and some sexy spanish music, and we had the most delicious guacamole made from scratch... and it's official... in my next life, I want to come back as Spanish-Caribbean (no, it's not politically correct, but it makes sense to me...). As in, like Puerto Rican... I don't feel around my family the way I felt around his...

--it's funny how we are so selfish in life... thinking only about how others make us feel, but never about how we make others feel... in talking to my friend's aunt, I realized just how much I meant to him and how much he had talked about me to his family... and I felt so embarrassed because I simply never realized that I had mattered that much or had such an impact... when she told me, he never had anything negative to say about you, that made me want to crawl away somewhere, because he had all the right in the world to say terrible things about me to his fam, because I did and said some badddd things. That conversation really changed my viewpoint.

--Going along with that, it's funny how we in life will search for people (like "nice guys") to want us and like us and be with us, and in doing that we leave in the dust the men whom have actually, really been there for us, and have really earned our trust for putting up with our bullshit and all the ups and downs in our lives. And in the end, we end up with neither of the two: the indian-giver* of a "nice guy" always decides, conveniently, that when you need him to be there, he just can't do it anymore and he can't be your backbone, and the man you left in the dust has been scooped up by some girl who saw the light in him that you neglected to acknowledge. Funny how these things work.

--We frequently give our trust and love away to men whom we think have earned it with well-placed forehead kisses, kind words, and genuine smiles... and by all means, they are probably deserving of trust. These men aren't enemies, for sure... but we bypass the men whom have really put in the work... those men do the work, and then we give the reward to someone else, who has not earned it. Therefore, it's only fitting that after a while, they discard the gift you've given them. Since they haven't done the work, they can't really appreciate the reward.

--I really missed my friends. I didn't realize how much I missed them, but I really did.

That was pretty much the nitty gritty of what I said. It was said so much better in my other post, but I guess the Blogger gods decided that one was a no-go. I'm still salty about that, but it's okay.

Happy Mother's Day, Happy Sunday, Happy beginning-of-Florida-summer, and I hope you're happy.
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*indian-giver: this term speaks to the phenomenon of someone giving something to someone else, and then wanting it back from them. Commonly known from Rugrats fame as, "You can't be a taker-backer!" I've encountered this phrase working with the kids... they like to give away chips and quarters, out of the guise of kindness, and then a few minutes later, want it back. It's like a man giving you his support and guidance and presence, and then wanting it back from you. In the simplicity of childhood, that shit makes you a fucking traitor. I think the kids know what they're talking about.

*EDIT 05/11/09 @ 9:22 pm--I was pretty upset when I wrote this... but as always, further explanation has shown me that maybe the indian-giving wasn't what I thought it was... we are all human after all... *sigh*

2 comments:

that one said...

Wowzers.

I think you got a winner in this guy. [pause] [stepping out of your personal life] lol...

I totally understand the stuff you were talking about and let me tell YOU...that's like, how I feel about my best friend...or maybe not?? Idk what he tells his family--apparently he tells them EVERYTHING...which means he tells the not nice stuff...anyway, that's not relevant because then he drills in the fact that he loves me...however this is neither here, nor there...back to this...

I loved this...and the concept of indian-givers...interesting...it makes me wonder how many times I've played that role. I'm learning more and more about myself everyday..*sigh*...anyway--I LOVE YOU.

That is all for now.

Miss Malorie said...

I HEAR you! I was so taken aback to discover that he had told his auntie and fam allllll the negative stuff and all the times I scorned him but he still gave me kisses on my cheek at his party and told me he loved me and he was so happy I was there... makes you feel like a gem of person, that's for sure (sarcasm 'cuz I treated him like shit before). Hey, one man's trash is another's treasure, they say...

And I've played the indian-giver before... so maybe it's just my f-ing karma lol. But I've come to start believing that it's not as simple as karma... I'm really not putting anyone through enough tests to get the reward of me... that's what the problem is...

(and p.s. thanks for your comments! always gives me something to smile at/think about :)

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