Monday, June 29, 2009

goodbye, love... :/

Sunday came and went

and with it dissolved

the people we were.

I just don't get it...

I've alllllways had this problem. Always.

I've never been able to understand why people say nasty things.

Don't get me wrong... I've said some SHIT in my day. I really have.

But it's always hurt me to my heart when people say mean things. You know, those really mean things.

I've been thinking about this lately because of Michael Jackson. I mean, I understand, everyone wasn't a fan of his. I know this. But to read people writing that his freakishness trumps his music? (okay, they were OBVIOUSLY an idiot.)

To read of people calling him a "freak" and a "child molester"? I mean, shit, can he get a break? This man dealt with so much in life, and now all these assholes who claim that they were never fans of his, feel like they need to come out of the woodwork and say shit about him now that he's dead... my bad... if you're not a fan, and you never cared, then why do you now have to say some evil shit about him since he's gone? Damn!...

I've just never understood that. And call me sensitive, but that hurts me. I can't really explain to you what it feels like... but it's like, humanity disappoints me when I see things like that...

It reminds me of when we first got a computer when I was like 12 or so, and I first used AOL and their message boards (does anyone remember message boards?), and I saw people talking about "niggers" and about how Black people were so stupid, etc. It sincerely hurt my feelings, because I didn't know such stupid fucking people existed...

But, better to know that these people exist and that I will inevitably come into contact with them... *sigh* Maybe I shouldn't have browsed the blogs before sleep...

Saturday, June 27, 2009

"let me show you, let me show you, the way to go..."

i sit here, typing the same email address over and over again,
logging into the same account,
telling myself that i keep checking for your final message
because i just want to know that i can go ahead and delete everything--
every self-help article you ever sent,
every argument we had
every word we shared dripped in the care we
feel/felt(?) for each other.
i just want to read your final note
so i can know that the time of us is through
but i think i keep checking
to avoid admitting
that we are no longer.
words, albeit nasty
telling me it's all pointless,
are still words you're saying to me,
still time you're spending talking to me.
so, i'll give myself until Sunday,
and if nothing from you then,
i'll kiss you goodbye
from approximately thirteen miles away.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Goodbye Mike.... :( '58--'09

So, I'm sitting watching CNN... and Michael Jackson is dead.

I don't really know what to say. Of course, there will be lots of real nasty things said about him... about his fascination with the little ones, about his life and how weird it was... but above all, he was a human being.

Call me uber-sensitive... I don't really give a fuck. I've always had a soft spot in my heart for the uniquely sensitive human condition. You wouldn't be able to understand if I explained to you how I have spent nights praying and grieving over humanity. How crazy humans can be, how humans can do the nastiest things... I just don't think you would get it. You'd probably just call me too sensitive, or too compassionate, or whatever.

I've always had a soft spot for stars like Marilyn Monroe, Mike Jackson, and Frank Sinatra. They are, now, all deceased, and were all very different people. But they had something in common. I feel like they were all very lonely people. They all had very public personas, but from all of the things I've ever heard about Marilyn, from all the things I've read about Frankie, and from all the things I've ever thought about Mike... they all seemed to be very lonely people. Constantly surrounded by people, with amazingly famous personalities... but they all just seemed lonely. Forgive me if I'm repetitive, but like Larry King just said, "what can you say?"

What can you say? I'm not extremely religious, but I am deeply spiritual. I just pray that he's at rest now. I didn't know him, of course, but I just feel bad. He was so successful, but I just feel like he never got a chance to have a normal life... but hey, he will be immortalized forever, in a way that some of us will not get to be. So I guess it was a worthy sacrifice (?)...

Hmmmm.... what else can be said? Besides the fact that it reminds me, as I have always known, that life is so fragile... here today, gone tomorrow.


Saturday, June 20, 2009

when the native is replaced by the newbie

Sooo... I used to go to this pool when I was younger, over in Dr. Phillips. I loved that pool.

In fact, that pool pretty much holds the majority of my childhood memories. It's as if my childhood can be summed up in one short montage of memories of my time spent there... bright days "swimming" (back in the day I was terrified of the water, and kinda doggie paddled my way around) and lunches at the McDonald's on Kirkman.

Well, we stopped going to that pool (for no particular reason), but lately I've been feeling an urge to go back. Probably just because I hadn't been there in a while. So, today, my sister and I went back, years later. (We were supposed to go take a visit to the natural springs, but that's a whole other story...)

Well, when we got there, we discovered that it, like the springs, was super crowded. No biggie. It's a hot, beautiful day in Orlando--all aquatic areas will undoubtedly be filled. Especially since whenever rain does fall from the sky, it tends to fall in the later afternoon, after the sky has taken all it could of the heat. So people try to get out early. Understandable.

But, apparently now, the pool gets so busy that it rotates groups. In other words, after we had swam for a little over an hour or so, we were told we had to get out to let the new group in. Granted, I think the pool would have been fine if they would have let the new group in with us, because there was plenty of room, but this apparently is their protocol. (I wonder if this occurred after the city took over the park...?)

Despite the little prick of a rude ass lifeguard (he looked all of 19 or 20 to my 21 year old eyes, and yes if you didn't know, I'm very easily offended lol) telling everyone to get out of the pool in this nasty little tone as if we were disobeying him (when in reality we were all looking around trying to figure out what was going on), my sister and I had a good time. But it just reminded me of how much times have changed. Orlando is growing and growing, and the places that were at one time, like little secrets; little gems of my childhood, well, those places are now public knowledge, and at best, in some cases, tourist fodder. Maybe that's just the way it seemed when I was a kid... that these places were like my family's little secrets... just like the Beltz Outlet Mall before it became the Prime Outlets that it is now... I can still remember the carousel in the middle and the cinnamon buns that I used to get every weekend when we went... the carousel and buns are no more, for they had to make room for Victoria's Secret and the Vans Outlet.

It just seems that the more Orlando grows from the little humble place it seems to be in my memories, the more and more I find that humility will remain only in my memories... isn't it a little bittersweet when you, as an adult, visit someplace that held such regard, only to find that it isn't what you remember, either because you can no longer see it through the lenses of your childhood, or simply because it has quite frankly changed from that place it used to be? Oh well... all the better for the kids making memories now, I suppose.

Just Saturday thoughts... and one more for you. My sister and I were talking while in the deep end about the phenomenon we experienced while at the pool. The pool was 99% populated by Black people this afternoon (something else that's changed--those days when we used to go, it was never thick with people my same skin tone). There were churches having a BBQ and there were birthday parties and all that jazz.... well, getting into the issue of mass amounts of certain types of Black people (and yes, there are certain types of people, even within one race, you should know) at one time is a project for another day, but my sister and I were both uncomfortable. (Yes, we're both African-American, yes, we lived a relatively sheltered childhood, and no, we're not bougie.) And my question to her was this: if we, as two Black people, are uncomfortable, how do non-Black people feel in our same surroundings?

Something to think about...

Sunday, June 14, 2009

What happens when the writer stops writing?

I've been neglecting you lately. Life has reaalllly taken over. From being back in summer camp mode to spending as much time outside of my house as possible, to getting the business (*wink*), I haven't had much time to write.

Well, I haven't made much time to write. And if you think I've been neglecting my blog, what about my freelance articles? I haven't written one of those in a while. And the reason I haven't is because they have been about relationships. That's what I talk about, of course. But what happens when the writer is tired of writing about her topic?

I don't want to write about relationships anymore. One of the main reasons I had something to say about relationships was because I was in one, and that was how I dealt with things. When we had sex, when we had serious conversations, when we broke up--twice--I would write about it.

Those articles were good, of course, but I just feel like I'm not that person who wrote about those things anymore. If you want to know how rapidly change can happen in someone's life, take this as an example. I just started freelance writing in November of last year. It's June, and the person I was then isn't me now. Hell, the person writing in March isn't me now.

*He* (and no, I'm not talking about God lol) and I had a conversation the other night. I love that kid and the conversations that we have... I don't think I've ever communicated with anyone as much as I've communicated with him. Granted, he hurt my feelings when we had this conversation, but he said something that made me think (as always). He told me I should stop going around whining all the time. When he said it, he pissed me off, because I don't, by any means think that I walk around whining all the time, but then, after due process of thought, I pondered the possibility that maybe, just maybe I do whine a bunch.

I thought about the many things that have happened in my life that I've whined about. I whined for YEARS about the ex who left and the relationship that didn't work. Sure, the shit hurt, but why did I waste so much time on it when it obviously wasn't supposed to work? Why do I, even today, still sometimes ponder that person who was absolutely rude to me after we fell apart? I whine about how much my parents get on my nerves lately and how I should have never come back home after school, but what am I doing to change that? I whine about never having any money, but I'm not exhausting my options to gain more money...

Like I said, he really hurt my feelings, but a couple days later, I've put it into perspective. I've spent a lot of time letting life happen to me, instead of actively living life and changing my situations. I've accepted them and said, well, I guess this is the way it's supposed to be... NO! Not at all.

So, back to this writing thing... I used to spend so much time writing. The things I've written... about heartbreak, about not understanding, about not being understood; especially about relationships, lately... I just don't have that desire anymore. Why am I writing about relationships? I don't lust after the "quintessential" romantic relationship as I once did. I'm simply enjoying the various relationships I have with people. Friend, boyfriend, lover--whatever! It's life! And right now I'm not trying to figure it all out. There are other things that are a little more important to me right now... like standing on my own two feet, showing my parents I'm not a kid anymore, becoming financially stable and independent, taking the GRE, pursuing a graduate degree... I'm determined to get my mind to the place where I am actively pursuing success... believe it or not, despite the academic success I have had, I was not actively pursuing it. It was happening for me, and I don't take it for granted at all, because I know some people desire things like that which come naturally to me, so I'm not being flippant... but simply acknowledging the fact that there's a difference between success acquired after the active pursuit, and success that just happens. I'm sure the sip is sweeter when you've pursued the drink.

So, relationships and I have had a good run, but it's just not my desire to want to figure them out anymore. Or to want to write about them three or four times a week. Life is too short and Florida's too hot to waste my life trying to figure out something so subjective. I guess that's a problem, isn't it?

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