Sunday, June 14, 2009

What happens when the writer stops writing?

I've been neglecting you lately. Life has reaalllly taken over. From being back in summer camp mode to spending as much time outside of my house as possible, to getting the business (*wink*), I haven't had much time to write.

Well, I haven't made much time to write. And if you think I've been neglecting my blog, what about my freelance articles? I haven't written one of those in a while. And the reason I haven't is because they have been about relationships. That's what I talk about, of course. But what happens when the writer is tired of writing about her topic?

I don't want to write about relationships anymore. One of the main reasons I had something to say about relationships was because I was in one, and that was how I dealt with things. When we had sex, when we had serious conversations, when we broke up--twice--I would write about it.

Those articles were good, of course, but I just feel like I'm not that person who wrote about those things anymore. If you want to know how rapidly change can happen in someone's life, take this as an example. I just started freelance writing in November of last year. It's June, and the person I was then isn't me now. Hell, the person writing in March isn't me now.

*He* (and no, I'm not talking about God lol) and I had a conversation the other night. I love that kid and the conversations that we have... I don't think I've ever communicated with anyone as much as I've communicated with him. Granted, he hurt my feelings when we had this conversation, but he said something that made me think (as always). He told me I should stop going around whining all the time. When he said it, he pissed me off, because I don't, by any means think that I walk around whining all the time, but then, after due process of thought, I pondered the possibility that maybe, just maybe I do whine a bunch.

I thought about the many things that have happened in my life that I've whined about. I whined for YEARS about the ex who left and the relationship that didn't work. Sure, the shit hurt, but why did I waste so much time on it when it obviously wasn't supposed to work? Why do I, even today, still sometimes ponder that person who was absolutely rude to me after we fell apart? I whine about how much my parents get on my nerves lately and how I should have never come back home after school, but what am I doing to change that? I whine about never having any money, but I'm not exhausting my options to gain more money...

Like I said, he really hurt my feelings, but a couple days later, I've put it into perspective. I've spent a lot of time letting life happen to me, instead of actively living life and changing my situations. I've accepted them and said, well, I guess this is the way it's supposed to be... NO! Not at all.

So, back to this writing thing... I used to spend so much time writing. The things I've written... about heartbreak, about not understanding, about not being understood; especially about relationships, lately... I just don't have that desire anymore. Why am I writing about relationships? I don't lust after the "quintessential" romantic relationship as I once did. I'm simply enjoying the various relationships I have with people. Friend, boyfriend, lover--whatever! It's life! And right now I'm not trying to figure it all out. There are other things that are a little more important to me right now... like standing on my own two feet, showing my parents I'm not a kid anymore, becoming financially stable and independent, taking the GRE, pursuing a graduate degree... I'm determined to get my mind to the place where I am actively pursuing success... believe it or not, despite the academic success I have had, I was not actively pursuing it. It was happening for me, and I don't take it for granted at all, because I know some people desire things like that which come naturally to me, so I'm not being flippant... but simply acknowledging the fact that there's a difference between success acquired after the active pursuit, and success that just happens. I'm sure the sip is sweeter when you've pursued the drink.

So, relationships and I have had a good run, but it's just not my desire to want to figure them out anymore. Or to want to write about them three or four times a week. Life is too short and Florida's too hot to waste my life trying to figure out something so subjective. I guess that's a problem, isn't it?

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