Monday, September 28, 2009

I... don't?

it's not that i hate marriage. or relationships.

i don't, really.

it's just that i don't know. i've been observing and thinking a lot lately, and i just don't know.

much like wanting to be a doctor, the fanfare of it all confused me. the thought that marriage=security, a loving, respectful husband, and a big-ass, sparkly diamond has faded.

what remains is that marriage = work.

and if you wonder why i'm focusing so heavy on marriage, no, it's not because i'm engaged, or because i'm about to be engaged, it's because, like a good friend of mine says, "in a relationship" is temporary. so instead of focusing on the ephemeral, i'm focusing on what's supposed to be in all of our futures; what is supposed to be relatively permanent.

i don't know. i pray that it's like Ossie Davis & Ruby Dee, Cliff & Claire Huxtable, but what if it's not? what if it's more like Joan Crawford & Spencer Tracy, or Frank Sinatra & Ava Gardner?

what happens when and if you go from late, candlelit nights of touching and dreaming, to being spouses who come home and don't speak to each other?

what happens when love isn't enough? when people claim that they love their spouse but they fuck other people just because (they can)? or when people used to be in love but they "fall out of love" and now they're divorced and their kids are wondering what the fuck just happened?

i'm starting to wonder... is that paper and that idea of union (because sometimes, it's truly an idea and not a reality) really worth it? or, is it just a leftover idea from times gone past, you know, like people who still believe interracial dating is wrong?

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