Tuesday, September 8, 2009

"just don't look down..."

Entry number 100, and it has to be rushed, because I still have to take a shower and wash my hair before heading into work shift number 2 for the day.

Regardless, thought is: I'm afraid.

Of what, you might ask? Well shit, of just about everything. Roaches, spiders, the dark, heartbreak, falling... you name it, I'm probably scared of it.

Okay, so maybe it's not that serious, but I've been paying more and more attention to this issue lately, until it hit me today, when I went exercising. (The epiphany hit me, not the issue.)

I was walking in the park, iPod in, jamming and feeling fly, when I decided to take a step off the path and walk on the grass. Every time I exercise, I always walk on the sidewalk, going the same way. Why had I never walked in the grass before?

(because I was scared of stepping in dog excrement and messing up my shoes.)

While walking across the street (not on the sidewalk) and then walking through the ditch (not on the sidewalk), I realized I was looking down and tried my damnedest to avoid doing this. I ALWAYS look down. When I'm walking, when I'm running, when I'm on the elliptical in the gym, when I'm walking into the ocean... I always look down. It's not an oh I'm so coy and shy thing, but I always need to have some level of control. I can't just walk out into the ocean because I don't want to risk running into a sea creature or stepping on a rock (even though I stay so close to shore that sea animals probably can't even survive where I am). I have to be able to see where I'm going. When people ask me to guess at something, I tell them "I don't guess," because I dislike not knowing what I'm talking about.

Afraid of the dark--can't handle not being able to see where I'm going, or what's in the room with me.

When I'm walking, I look downward--always have to be able to trace my steps; have to know where I'm going; can't risk stepping in dog poop; refuse to trip and fall.

It all goes back to being scared. Of needing to have some control over things. There's nothing wrong with wanting to exhibit some control over life--it has taken me from wallowing and being all "woe is me, I guess fate will control everything" to being the master of my own destiny. That's a good thing. But there's definitely a problem with control and fear being intertwined.

I want to be able to run into the ocean without needing to look downward or fearing I'm going to run into the mouth of a great white. I want to skydive without having to ask someone if anyone has died or thrown up during the process. I want to fall in love and be able to exist in love without being afraid of the consequences.

I want to get on a boat without being scared of drowning or, again, throwing up.

I want to climb a mountain without being scared of falling off.

I want to live the most exciting life...
...without needing to look down.


Ashley Ray said...

When are you writing a book? Loved it!

Miss Malorie said...

Awwwww!! When I learn to live life (fully!) without looking down... you'll see my book on shelves! :)

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