Thursday, September 24, 2009

security

I tell myself,

I don't want to be in a relationship. Relationships and I don't get along. I get too complacent in a relationship. I lose focus on everything else in life when in a relationship. I stop hanging out with my friends and family when in a relationship.

When the truth is,

I do want to be in a relationship. I do want to know there's going to be someone there when I get off work. I do want to be able to call someone up without worrying about whether they're going to think I'm bothering them. I do want to spend quality time with someone.

But the problem is,

why do I want to be in a relationship?

Because relationship to me has always signaled some type of security. As a little girl, I viewed marriage and boyfriend/girlfriend types as secure.

I want the relationship because it represents [the illusion of] security in an unstable existence. But I'm having trouble with this because I have grown up to realize that "relationship" doesn't mean shit except what it says on the dictionary page.
re⋅la⋅tion⋅ship 
 /rɪˈleɪʃənˌʃɪp/
[ri-ley-shuhn-ship]
–noun
1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.
[Do you see the word "secure" anywhere in there?]

So I'm dissatisfied, because I want something that doesn't even exist, and for the wrong reasons at that.

Because I've always believed that all-encompassing, I'm so in love with you, we-have-our-relationship-status-on-Facebook relationship means we'll always be together and our times will always be sunny.

Jazmine Sullivan did say, just 'cuz I love you, and you love me, that doesn't mean, that we're meant to be... I've grown up and I've learned that being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you're going to get married and have kids and die happy and old [together]. Getting married doesn't mean you'll stay married. Loving someone doesn't mean they will love you back. Having your relationship status on Facebook doesn't make it any more authentic (though the fact that it seems that way to me tells me I still have a ways to go in changing my thinking).

It's my experience and my beliefs fighting against long-imparted ideals.

I wish I could say I know that I'm doing the right thing. But quite frankly, I don't really know. So until I know, I'll settle with the dissatisfaction caused from the friction of ideas rubbing against ideas.

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