Thursday, December 31, 2009

Alone on New Year's Eve

As I walked into my silent townhouse, expecting to hear the sounds of revelers, I was awash with the desire for some noise, upon their unexpected absence.

I fought the urge to turn on the television. It's New Year's Eve, and it only seems right to turn on the tv to watch Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, something my sister and I always did. Only, things aren't what they used to be. Dick Clark isn't the forever-young looking host he once was; he will soon be replaced completely by Ryan Seacrest. My sister and I are not spending this holiday together, though this isn't the first time that has happened, but merely a close second. I don't live at home anymore, and I'm not in a relationship with *him* this New Year's, and sometimes I forget that because of the similarity of 2008 us and 2009 us.

Instead, I came upstairs, and fought the urge to shower. Instead, I went into auto-pilot, something I frequently do. I think it's God, quite frankly, the Hand who controls us when we ourselves run out of ideas. I took off my shoes, took off my pants, left on my knit dress, and turned on my light from IKEA, a light I find charming because it warms up, starting dim and morphing into a pretty solid stream of light. Just right for leaning back on pillows and writing my thoughts before the clock tells me another year, and hopefully not the final year, of my life is beginning.

I've opened my window so I can feel the natural, muggy air and hear the sounds of the night... it reminds me of my last year in college, when I always left my windows open at night. I always heard the crickets chirping in the bushes, such a comforting night sound. I hear it now, along with the sounds of cars driving by, as well as the far-away (and sometimes very close) sound of booming fireworks and drizzling sparkles falling through the night's air.

The quiet is comforting, and I'm glad I decided to come home instead of participating in tonight's various activities. There weren't many things I wanted to do. I wouldn't have minded drinking with him, or our unique combination of conversation and exploration, in fact, that's what I really wanted, but as I forget, he's not my significant other anymore; though he is a lover and a dear friend, there is no binding us together for holidays anymore. Isn't that crazy how a simple title change can be the difference between knowing you'll be hanging with that someone on a special day, and hoping you'll be hanging with that someone on a special day? I'm not too fond of this, but it comes with the territory. Occupational hazard of unconventional circumstances.

That all being said, it just didn't feel right drinking and being out in the crowd tonight. I wanted to come home and spend my time lost in word, in thought, in prayer, in meditation of many things... my life, things I want to make happen in this new year, etc.

I don't want to make New Year's Resolutions, because I hate them and rarely does anyone remember them after the first of January. So instead, I write for you, as well as myself. You've really taken a significant position in my life--I write for you more than I write in my personal journal, which I have neglected since September. The lapses in between entries are growing.

I owed you, as well as myself, this entry. My previous entry was lackluster, at best, though I did forget I was living inside a decade. I was distracted when writing, and the news was on, and I stumbled my way through wanting to say something, but not having the right approach. Sometimes, writing can be like that, like trying to screw something in with a hammer. I hope this is better for you. It's better for me.

I could ask you what you wanted to change in this new year, or what you loved about this year, but I won't do that. It's all so cliche.

Instead, I wonder where your line of demarcation is. The line that securely separates the person you used to be, from the person you are now.

It's hard for me to find mine. 2008 & 2009 for me have merged into one big giant period of growth, one so expansive that I forget the two years were individual. They seem to be one.

I think I've completed this line of thought. It's curious the way that works within me; I'll be going full steam ahead, my fingers flying faster than any thought, and then it will suddenly slow down or stop. I'll start thinking about something else, and then I'll know that this line of thought is over.

I won't even tell you "Happy New Year," because it seems, again, so cliche. Instead, I'll say, welcome to another year. What are you going to do to make this year better than your last?

Love, sincerely,
Malorie

3 comments:

Manda The Magnificent said...

my favorite entry youve written so far. hope you got my comment on the entry we were previously talking in! happy new beginning.

Miss Malorie said...

Thank you :) As always, I appreciate your readership! And I will go back and check the other entry as well. Happy new beginning to you also!

Manda The Magnificent said...

thank you! and youre very welcome. i love reading here. i got your reply and answered back. i always like to remind people because i dont know about you but blogger never tells me when i have comments so sometimes theyre missed.

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