Thursday, April 30, 2009

another day in the clink... Thursday edition

Okay, so maybe I was a bit harsh yesterday with my initial review of the clink cubicle.

Maybe you just have to get used to it... (I guess that's how people stay there for years at a time).

I mean, there are little perks...

...like the way the ladies' restroom always smells like bubble gum... and resembles bubble gum with its pink wall paint and semi-pink tiles...

...and there's the fact that the sun feels so much brighter when I sit outside in the grass on my thirty-minute break that really only feels like fifteen...

...and like how my workplace buddies are hilarious... and how we get to laugh at the interesting responses, grammar, and spelling issues revealed through the kids' answers...

...oh, and I can't forget, the fact that it pays green, crisp, USD. I must remind myself of this everyday.

And on a serious note, it's a job. It's not glamorous, but it's a job. And seeing as the work situation and the economy is so so serious right now (there are pretty much no jobs, and trust me, I've been searching and applying and hearing nothing back), I'm thankful that I have two jobs. Even if I can't work both of them at the same time.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

my month in the cage... I mean, cubicle

It is at once, everything I need, and everything I've been terrified of since I was fourteen.

The job is cash (I need), and the job is boring (terror).

At the end of the day, I stood up, after being told to clock out, and watched as the mass numbers of people (hundreds) filed out through the narrow hallways... under the fluorescent lights... near the rows and rows of offensively uniform blue cubicles filled with computers.

Everyone moved like cattle set free in a pasture like those wildebeests in The Lion King right before they knocked Mufasa off and to his death. (Thanks a lot, Scar... ooops, did I spoil the film for you?)

I'd been sitting in the same chair since 8:30 that morning, scoring kids' standardized tests. (The stampede occurred at precisely 4:30 pm.) As I placed my hand under my leg, I could feel the blood rushing through my veins... I'm pretty sure I'll have a blood clot before the end of the month, if the swine flu doesn't get me first.

It's the type of job I've been terrified of my entire adolescent life... the type of job I imagined was at the end of the rainbow of young adulthood... you know, you ascend the rainbow in high school, you get to college (you're riding high, now), and you party and shit, and you graduate, and then you live your wild, young adult life, and then you start to descend the rainbow... and then you find yourself unhappily married, with two-and-a-half kids, a big fucking dog, and a job that you cannot stand... one that involves you sitting in a big room with no windows, painted some color of doctor's office tan, staring at a computer screen all day until your eyes burn and your body is heavy with the fatigue of the inexplicably unimportant.

Granted, it's only for a month, and it pays cash money, which I need, but me, coming from my flexible, constantly-in-motion, always in the sunlight environment of recreation, to spending an entire work day staring at a computer screen and eating enough Jolly Ranchers to make me want to vomit sugar... well, it's a bit of a work culture shock.

But I'm thankful in advance for the money, of course, and for the experience... because it's showed me even more just how much I will never have a career that involves me getting a blood clot while sitting under my least favorite kind of light.

I need to keep my leg, you know.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

tuesday

if i write my thoughts

as fast as it takes me to think them

without paying any attention to capitalization

and without speaking out loud to hear what my lines sound like,

and if i enjamb

and insert pause in

awkward place

s,

does that make me less of a writer

poet

emotionalist

me?

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I'm going through some things right now; some emotional and mental changes, so forgive me as I run the ideas of new ideas by you to see what you think... well, not really, because a lot of people read blogs as I do--silently and without commenting. Sometimes, I just don't know what to say anyway.

There are a lot of things I think right now. I don't know how long I will think these things, and I'm not sure how these things will change and manifest themselves. But I think I'm going to stop classifying myself as a writer/poet, only because it suggests a certain level of mastery, skill, or use of things I hate, like Iambic pentameter. (The suggestion of mastery or skill, in my opinion, despite having taken a Masterclass in poetry as well as two poetry seminars while @ UF, is mere illusion--the skill held by "poets" is only so because someone else has deemed it so.)

I am still a writer/poet, but not as esoterically so. I write about the same ol' shit that I'm sure you can identify with--love, the loss of it, and the misfire of it. And everything that falls in between.

I don't know how I feel about love/romance/dating/relationships/sex/marriage right now. Good thing I'm a singles freelance writer, or I'd be in trouble. (I knew what I was doing with that title.) And people say that all the time (oh, I hate dating right now) and then meet someone and they throw all that shit out the window. I legitimately am not sure how I feel about that (the long sentence with slashes in it) right now. Besides "I can't take it anymore." I don't think I've ever quite felt this way before.

John Donne said, "No man is an island." Well, call me Hispaniola, baby, because I am an island right now.
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my thoughts fly from rapidly typing fingers

the way tears slide down the face

in the darkness of a car ride home,

encouraged by a song on the radio

that's just all too real

for you to be singing

at the next red light.

you give good, love to me
baby...
so good, take this heart of mine
into your hands,
you give good love, to me
it's never, too much,
baby, you give good love...

"you all make such a cute couple... i hope you last..."

through the club's haze
of lights and smoke
and sex on the dance floor
i watch her
as she sits next to her date,
him in silver and green,
smiling and laughing
and staring at the girl he adores--
you can see it all over his face.
the way he holds her,
the way he offers her another drink,
even after she scrunches up her nose
at the first one.
he dances in front of her,
offering her a playful lapdance
while other women stare at his slim
yet muscular frame
with envy.
they look like such a cute couple,
the guy in green and silver
and the girl in green.
but the whole time i watch them
i notice the girl's face
going blank every now and again,
her smile, half-genuine.
maybe it has something to do
with the phone she keeps sneaking a peek at,
or maybe,
the man on the other end.

Monday, April 27, 2009

"how can people know you..." part II

Of course, there were more... couldn't give them to you all at once...

1. I am easily forgiving:
Don't get me wrong--I forgive. I do. Otherwise I wouldn't be here right now. But not easily. When I feel personally slighted, I will hold that thought/grudge for a long time. I don't even want to call it a grudge, necessarily, because it's not as if I won't talk to you (well, that's really depending on the slight... I have gone years without talking to individuals...)--I have the great ability to be cordial with pretty much everyone, even people I don't care for. But I don't forget that thing that made me feel so slighted... i.e. the slight-er is talking, and I (the slight-ee) is listening, all the while, thinking in my head of that thing they did...

It wears off, eventually. But it's not that easy.

2. I am a homebody:
Well, I used to be so. But this label is no longer appropriate for me. These days, I pretty much spend the majority of my time away from my house--because like I told you, when I want to be by myself, I need to be by myself. The look and feel of the Florida sunshine and breeze compels me toward the outdoors--whether it be driving, sitting, sleeping, as long as it's outside. I go out, I work, I think--all away from the house. And this has really come to be my thing. So, no more of that homebody stuff.

3. I don't ask questions because I don't care:
I don't ask a lot of questions. I've always known this. To me, it's never been a problem--it's not like I have a bunch of burning questions and I just let the fire consume me and keep my hand down... not quite. I just never have. I've always been a kid (and now a young woman) who figured a lot of things out before having to ask anyone. Lately, I've heard it be said that it seems like I don't ask questions because I don't care. (This is mostly in a romantic setting, of course.)

Well, in some instances, I really don't care. I don't care for the small talk that people frequently employ--I never have. These are the times when I tend to fall quiet and like to listen to and observe people. That's always been how I learned most things. Through observation. And despite a slight departure from my way of being, I'm going back to it. Because observation, really, is the truest thing you can do--observing peoples' actions is how you learn people. Not through what they say, because people say a lot of things that end up not coming to pass. Even now, as I'm writing this, it wouldn't surprise me at all if you didn't really believe me, but decided to observe me instead. You'd find that the things I'm saying are the same things I do.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

come to pass

why is it that

the ones you love

beyond your wildest comprehension

can never give it back to you

yet the ones

whose affections you shove

to the left

are always behind you

trying to support you

with all they have?

Friday, April 24, 2009

Bravo, crazy kids, bravo...

So, there are lots of great things that happened to me during my four years at the, now, infamous Cypress Creek High School.

--I was still a virgin, thereby avoiding the clap,

--I wasn't one of the girls wearing too-tight jeans and size XS shirts to show off a preggo-belly,

--I didn't smoke and couldn't distinguish the scent of marijuana from car exhaust, thereby, avoiding the temptation to join the other kids and light up in Driver's Ed,

--oh yeah, I graduated with my Honors and International Baccalaureate (yes, I know, what's that? You can ask me, and I'll explain, lol) diplomas.

Not bad for high school. I also formed many friendships, despite the fact that I (now) let years elapse between phone calls.

But jeeez, my old stomping grounds have done it now.

For a senior prank, the kids put the desks and chairs on top of the roof. Now, I have no idea how in the hell they got them up there without anyone seeing them... and I know these were not IB kids... because for our senior prank, we TPed our teacher's rooms... because they already knew we were going to do it... and we knew we would be in no danger of having to forfeit graduation or our status as the prestigious IB dorks. (hey, I'm sure this is how the other kids saw us.)

Cypress Creek has been EVERYWHERE in the past few days after this incident... I'm talking CNN, and the BBC!

(yes, this is the BBC website, talking about my little old school in Orange County, Florida...)

Okay, so Mrs. Storch-y (our less-than-favorite principal) is up in arms over this, and all the wack-ass "soccer moms" and parents who have nothing better to do than bother other people and complain are all up in arms over this as well, and at last knowledge, the perpetrators were being suspended from graduation. That sucks, but they should have expected it (that's everyone's first response to senior pranks).

But I must say, since I'm not anywhere near close to that "soccer mom" vicinity (and boy, I hope I never get there), I say bravo to those brave-ass (and probably a little stupid) kids from the Class of '09. You might not make graduation (right now), but you've done better than most--you've made history.

Cypress Creek certainly wasn't on CNN or the BBC when I was there.

Adios
loves,
Mal

Thursday, April 23, 2009

the "real world"...

is sickening.

I don't know if it's because of how fucked up the economy is, or if it's just the normal nature of this thing called "the real world," but it's not very fun.

Granted, I have lots of fun in my life, because I make it so--I date, I hang out, I talk to people, I drive around and enjoy the sunshine, I sit outside and feel the breeze over my skin, etc.

But the "real world"? Not so much.

If you're just coming out of school, much luck to you, unless you're coming out with a specialized degree that's going to guarantee you someplace. I've been out for a year, and it's just ridiculous. It's even worse if you don't have a firm handle on what it is you want to do.

Out of the very few things I think I would like to do that constitute as a "9-to-5" type of job (that's funny, I've always been an 8-to-5ish-er. maybe "9-to-5" just sounds better... or it's because of the movie...), I don't feel really, truly ready for anything like that.

Being a child's summer camp counselor @ 21 is different than being a child's teacher @ 21 or 22.

And besides that feeling of being unsure, it doesn't help that no one is hiring.

So I guess this is what happens after the illusion of school fades... you realize just how easy it is to fall into a life you didn't plan for, and didn't necessarily want. My fears of being stuck in some cubicle under fluorescent lights are resurfacing.

I wonder how many adults I know are working jobs they didn't want but now have to keep because they have to pay the bills someway...

I wonder how many people are living lives they did not want, and now can't get rid of...

I want... (part deux)

--my bellybutton to get right... if I have to let go of my bellybutton piercing, I will be very sad :(

--a Nikon. Still.

--to be a Blog of Note, one day. Yeah, I said it. Lol.

--my own place, with a cute little green lamp and a white, polka dot comforter for my bed like the one from La Quinta. (the bed from La Quinta, not the comforter.)

--a Westie that promises to always be there when I wake, just like the ones from the Caesar dog food commercials.

--to figure out whether I want to live somewhere else because I really do, or because lots of other people do. (live someplace else, that is.)

--another tattoo.

--for the world to feel love.

--to speak le francais.

--a hablo espanol sin miedo. forgive me, there's no accent marks on a laptop.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

room with a view

When I first acquired you, I didn't know how to handle you.
Bare walls with a random poster
or cheap, white Wal-Mart clock
strewn about; the days were footsteps into September
before I arranged you,
floors covered in K-Mart shag half-rugs,
thrown up in 1975.
But a summer away gave me a better view
of what I could do with you.
Vomit rugs gone,
electric green sheer curtains in place,
a white and bright polka dot comforter
covered my bed--the polka dots matched the colors
I painted the letters of my moniker,
affirmed vertically on my wall.
Bookshelf and souvenirs from my single travels placed--
the last time I saw Jose in Tampa,
the seashells I collected in New Smryna Beach--
my room became the home I'd dreamed of--
the perfect lighting,
windows always opened to the natural air,
low jazz or whatever artist was suiting my mood on my boombox
or if working at my desk, on my iTunes.
That room was mine,
perfect, ephemeral, welcoming.
But in my hurry to leave
that town I blamed for my problems,
I forgot to kiss my room goodbye.

I want...

--a Nikon camera. The ones I've seen are like $500. I think it will take my fledgling photography (and hence, my Flickr page) to the next level.

--to start making enough money to be totally independent.

--this wave of enlightenment and all around good mood to continue.

--my hair to grow into this big, funky fresh mass of curls.

--to add one more to the circle.

--for Florida summer, in all its mysterious soul-warming, smile-inducing joy.

--to fast for a day. to see how it makes me feel.

--to go away with my friend for a weekend.

--for August to come slow.

--to keep writing.

--for Love to come, slow and simple, gloriously gradual. Light on the delirium.

--to continue learning people.

--to continually be inspired by the little things.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

how can other people know you, if you don't know you?

I know exactly what sparked the thought. I was jamming to my John Mayer ("Any Given Thursday" is that album!!) via my iPod, washing dishes, when my father turned off the dimmer kitchen light to turn on the fluorescent one (I hate fluorescent lights). Not only was I using the dimmer light while still catching the natural light from outside (that was slowly fading), but I didn't ask him to bother anything. I had it perfectly adjusted to how I wanted it to be. (Sure sure, it's not my house, but humor me to find out what I'm talking about.)

This scenario caused me to stop and think about how particular I am about certain things... which led me to thinking about how often I misinform people about my personality... because I myself am misinforming myself. I will say that I am one way, but my actions will reflect a different story. This train of thought interests me, so I thought I'd share it with whomever decides to take a read...
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The things I think aren't quite truth...:
1. I am laid-back:
I think I've been confusing my absolute reluctance to speak up and my notoriously unhealthy practice of internalization with being laid-back. (Thankfully, these former habits are fading as I keep recognizing them.) My aunt told me when I was ten that I was just so laid-back... and I took it to heart and have been saying it ever since. When I think of someone laid back, I think of someone who can just go with the flow, and has no problem being in any kind of situation... you know, that friend who can just go and do whatever and just adapt to anything, no complaints necessary...

This is not me. Granted, I like to chill and hang out, and it doesn't take much for me to be entertained, and I'm not a heavy complainer, but I'm not as much "go with the flow" as I've been saying/thinking I was. I'm particular. When I want something done a certain way, I want it done a certain way. When I want something done at such and such time, I want it done at such and such time. When I don't want the television on, I don't want the television on. Granted, I'm not confrontational, and don't make it a practice of arguing with someone because they aren't doing something the way I want it done. As I've discovered, avoiding confrontation is not the same as being laid back.

2. I am a loner:
This is something else I've heard myself go back to saying recently, which is also incorrect. (A quick way to place myself into some kind of category that makes quick sense to others.) I'm not a loner--I enjoy the company of the people I care about. A lot. If I really like being around you, I'm going to want to be around you pretty much most of the time. This is just another aspect of my particular nature. When I really feel like being by myself, I really want to be by myself, and I will do what I need to do to achieve that--whether it's going for a drive, going to sit in the park alone, leaving the city, etc.

I have also come to the realization that I have fits of withdrawal that come and go like waves--much like the love of my life, Prince (lol), sometimes I get into a mood when I don't want people to know shit about me or my life, or bother me, and I will withdraw in any way necessary (avoiding phone calls and attempts at communication is one of these), which most people don't understand is just part of my particularity. Doesn't mean it's fair, but life has never been such.
When I think of a loner, I think of someone sad, who is alone by force of "fate", and not by choice. So, that's another label I need to retire.

3. There's never been any label for this one:
I think I've been spreading the notion that I'm more of an indoors gal than outdoors for a long time. No, I do not go camping, and no, I've never been, but I'll wait for you to go and tell me how it is. That being said though, I have seemed to forget the mass amounts of time I spent outdoors as a kid, running down my street (sometimes barefoot), riding my bike and rollerblading all over the place, playing baseball with my cousin back in the day, etc. In the shadow of my foray into womanhood, the memory of my outdoorsy childhood seems to have been lost.

These days, I will sit outside for hours, doing much of nothing--I can sit in my front yard in a chair and listen to my iPod for hours... I often fall asleep outside. I love getting darker (I don't call it tanning because I don't necessarily try to do it, but I love when it happens) and I love the feel of the sun on my skin. I always walk outside in my front yard barefoot, and I love the feel of grass between my toes. I frequent parks when writing, studying, thinking, or going on dates :) Don't even get me started on the ocean/beach and how I love the sand, the smell, and the feel of being out there...

Surprisingly, this is an aspect of myself that I have constantly left out when explaining myself to someone.
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For the longest time, I've been describing me as I think I am, instead of how I actually am. And didn't even realize it. Wow...

So, I challenge you... try to catch yourself in your natural state of physiology. See what you can catch yourself doing. And compare that to how you actually describe yourself. You might be surprised with what you observe.

Adios loves,
Mal

Chillin' by the dock of the bay... window






Excellently done cartoon in the Orlando Sentinel this morning. This particular strip always has messages in their art, but this one was so political cartoon-ish. I really liked it, obviously (since I scanned it to show to y'all).


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The kinky twists are back... and I'm in love with them. It's the easiest hairstyle ever. While making sure I take care of my growing natural hair underneath (moisturizing it with daily aloe vera juice + distilled water + conditioner + oils mixture as well as Lustrasilk Cholesterol + Shea Butter + Mango butter), I can throw my hair up and go--I have plenty of different color bows, scrunchies, headbands, etc. If I want to go out, I can make a messy sexy bun, or toss my hair to the side and pin it... the possibilities are endless, it seems.
So, you might not see my natural hair for a while... not only is it (kinky twists) a protective style, but I think it suits my face... I'm in love!
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In other news, life is well. Definitely not as "woe, woe is me" as the other day or week or past couple of weeks. I'm in a great place today, and I'm determined to find a way to always stay there.
:)
Adios loves,
Mal

Friday, April 17, 2009

feature face...

*sigh*

woke up today just wanting to sleep.

when i discover something negative about myself, given to me through someone else's eyes, although i'm glad to learn these things, and although in the long run, the discovery is helpful, it always leaves me in this type of mood.

i'm always frustrated because they are things i wished i could have figured out and seen before someone told me. i feel embarrassed because these are things that people could see and that i couldn't. i always feel like retracting into the "cancer" shell (as in, my zodiac sign of cancer).

amid my morning retracting, i saw that my hair transition story is being featured on Curlynikki.com, so check it out here. You get to see my formerly relaxed, half-red hair. (and the shit was hot!)

so, that brightened my morning quite a bit... still retracting, still embarrassed, but hey, it's life.

adios loves,
mal

p.s. i'm watching My Best Friend's Wedding (a movie i can always watch over and over--i love Julia Roberts), and it's official--i want a gay best guy friend. since being friends with straight men has proven so difficult, i'm over it. i want a gay best guy friend. it's the only way i'm going to be able to cuddle without worrying about me jumping him (and yes, i did say me jumping him.) or about catching some stupid feelings, or giving too much too soon.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

"it will rain..."

and no sooner after i write,
it rains
and washes away any desire to be anywhere
except in the shelter of your arms,
sleeping next to you and your smile
like old times
now committed to memory,
per your desires.
(or lack thereof.)

seven whole days (almost)

finally, the weather has caught up to my mood.
it started slowly--the brilliant sunny skies
were out of place,
but the quiet breezes
that shook the trees
matched my silence;
the fervor of my sick heart.
but today, the sky rumbles with thunder
and the sky is a mix
between light white
and medium gray.
the green of the trees clashes with the approaching storm,
and i thank the sky
for giving me an opportunity
to brace myself
against the wall of my bed,
to chuckle at the idiocy
which is now the label on my feelings.
i wait on your words
to summon a sense
of hope,
which also makes me chuckle
at its foolishness.
my eyes are heavy
as i wait on the storm
and more thoughts of you.

Friday, April 10, 2009

"come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away..."

i feel like i'm ready to fly.
don't worry, i'm coming back
i'll always be coming back,
sandy white beaches
and turquoise ocean,
palm trees waving in the breeze
and balmy evenings--
my heart will always be here
but i'm ready to fly
and i'm not sure to where
but i gotta get away
from disappointment
from loving those who won't love me
from frustration
from self-doubt
from the ordinary
from the box that people have put their thoughts in
from who i was.
it's time for me to fly,
and it's not a selfish journey--
if only you want,
you can fly with me
i want you to fly with me
say the word and you're with me
but i guess your journey
won't include me.
but i will drop a postcard
from the skies of my flight
and on it, simply your invitation:
fly with me.

Natural's the bomb!


My name is Malorie...


I was feeling artistic. In a draw-y type of way. That doesn't happen too often.


Saturday, April 4, 2009

WTF Volume II: America's going crazy

There are some things I don't want to write.

Some things aren't about love. Some things aren't about whether I end up with somebody great. Some things aren't about my hair, and some things aren't about how wonderful the weather feels.

America is losing its fucking mind. The country is under so much stress... the economy sucks, people are getting hours cut, people are losing their fucking jobs, their damn houses, and with that, their damn minds.

I was watching a repeat of the CNN special Black in America about the assassination of Dr. King (he was assassinated 41 years ago today), and after that, the news came on. Of course, I had already heard about the madness in Binghampton where the guy killed 13 innocent people and then himself, and then today (was it today? I've heard about so much shit that I can't even remember what day it is) I heard about the guy who killed the three police officers (both of those people had on bulletproof vests), then I'm watching CNN and hearing about these damn "Smiley Face Murders" where some gang of people all over the country are killing guys after nights out and putting them in the river and then painting smiley faces on trees, and then CNN breaks news about a father in Washington who killed his five children and then himself, and THEN, as I'm turning from national news to find something else to watch, I hear on my local news that two elderly people were stabbed in a Target, and that a mother was shot to death somewhere in town.

You tired of reading yet? Well I'm tired of listening.

It's so much bigger than the fucking gun laws. No, that's not enough. You can restrict guns up and down (which I can say, I think the laws should be stricter), and people will still be losing their damn minds. People are killing their fucking FAMILIES because they are losing their jobs. Because the thing that makes them feel like they have worth is no longer a part of their lives. Because suddenly, they don't have control over their life anymore.

What is going on? I mean, seriously, what is going on?

There have always been crazy people in the world; there have always been people who have committed mass crimes; who haven't had the faith, the sense, the courage, or the strength to work through their problems in a logical way--and sure, there are things and times in life that can push you to your logical brink. But, as a coworker and I were talking about today, God will NEVER put more on you than you can handle. NEVER.

But, we live in a time when people put so much faith in farcical things; things that are not guaranteed. Money. Jobs. Superficial things. There are so many people taking so many things for granted. But God's glory will NEVER disappoint. Never. If you have faith, your faith will be duly rewarded. (And this is coming from a chick who is quite spiritual, but is not big on the "religion" thing.)

I know my God is there. I know. There have been times in my life when I felt like I just couldn't take no more (and I'm not even THAT old, so imagine what life has in store...) and that I just wanted to give up. I was just like, that's enough. But I never did that. Never. Something inside myself would never allow that as an option. And I'm not talking about "giving up" necessarily in a suicidal sense, but just in the sense of giving up on anything. Something inside of myself just wouldn't let that be. And I think that's bigger than me having that kind of "don't quit" upbringing, but because I've always been pretty tapped into my intuition. Regardless of whether I've always listened to it, it's been there and talking to me. That voice (which I, to this day, KNOW is the voice of God, because that's the only way it can never be wrong) has always been in me. And as I've asked God to help me tap into it and listen more, it's become stronger. I just have to learn to listen, but it's stronger.

But my problem is, what is happening? The Bible speaks of the end of days, and God, if it doesn't seem like it's here... what more can you do but pray? I pray, and I try to make sure that I NEVER treat people in a poor fashion. Like the man who killed all the people in Binghampton--apparently, he had been teased for speaking poor English (he was Vietnamese). He was taking English classes in the same building he shot up. He quit the classes a month ago. How seriously tragic. Sincerely tragic. Not saying that this in ANY way gave him the power to shoot people up, but think of how simple, little actions affect someone else's life. What if I was one of those people who jokingly teased him about his English, and then I heard the news that he went and shot the people up where he was studying? I wouldn't help but have his life on my conscience.

Part of the reason why I can't STAND people who are uber-judgmental, or people who always have something negative to say, or people who gossip for a living, or people who enjoy making other people feel small. As a child, I was always super sensitive, and I'm still super sensitive about certain things til this day.

I mean... I just don't know. This is so troubling to me. And I feel like no one else cares. People just get shot and stabbed the fuck up, and it's everyday news. It's the norm now. That's just how people behave. I have always said, as long as I have been receptive to the news in an adult fashion, that this country is reactive instead of proactive. Instead of preventing problems, we simply react to them after they are done and over; after people are dead and gone. And that obviously isn't getting us anywhere. Obviously.

It's really really hard now (being as though I was always paranoid anyway) to be able to think about doing stuff in life without having to worry about whether something unfortunate will happen to me, or someone I really love. It's an everyday thought that that possibility is always there. Always there.

I guess all I can do is pray. Pray for myself, pray for my family, pray for my loved ones, for our health, for our safety, sanity... pray for the country, pray for people... in no particular order.

Just... pray.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

my twenty questions

I like this idea of "20 Questions" that I found on this "blog of note". I was totally going to follow the blog, until I saw their rant about how much they couldn't stand that Obama won the election and that ended that. Me no likey. But the 20 Q's are cool!

1. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Miss Malorie wanted to be Dr. Malorie J. Marshall. I wanted to be a pediatrician. This is the first thing I ever remember wanting to be. In fact, I wanted to be a doctor so bad, that when I was inducted into an honor society, they put that on the program as my career goal, and when I was 14/15 I volunteered and later worked at my doctor's office and met all the pharmaceutical reps during those wonderful luncheons they had while trying to push their drugs. I remember them telling me I looked like I would be a doctor. I don't know how a skinny kid in a t-shirt, jeans, and blue-framed glasses somehow "looked" like a future doctor. It was then I discovered just how much people bullshit.

2. What have you done in the past week to help someone else?
Hmmm... gave someone advice/my thoughts on their divorce. Supervised a couple kids at the Orlando Magic game when my boss couldn't go. Gave a friend advice on a relationship situation. Went to Miami (that was to help myself :)

3. Who is the best-dressed person you know?
Myself, obviously. Lol. Although I am a pretty snazzy dresser, I would have to say the best-dressed person I know is... well, I don't know any one particular person. I know quite a few though.

4. What is on your nightstand?
My lamp, my alarm clock (not supposed to be there!), a framed picture of my family and myself from right before I went to UF, a picture of my "niece", and my daily devotional book.

5. If you were a cat, what kind of a cat would you be?
A bad-ass lioness. I don't like housecats, and I wouldn't want to be one, either.

6. If you lived in a house surrounded by acres of trees, what particular type of tree would you want flourishing on your land?
Jeeez... palm trees :) I'm a Floridian :) It would help if I were extremely well-versed in tree types, though...

7. What do you find to be very overrated?
no-strings-attached flings (pretty futile), one-night-stand kinda sex (kinda pointless), coffee, reality television, etc.

8. How many email addresses do you have?
Jeeezzzz... ummm... just four, I believe. I no longer use one, one has fallen prey to spam, and one I use the most.

9. Have you ever felt replaced?
Yup, I sure have.

10. Would you rather watch football or baseball?
Football, hands down. Do I get a cute man to watch it with?

11. What is the wallpaper on your phone?
on the outside, it's a picture of me in Miami, and on the inside, it's a picture of South Beach

12. Name a lyric from the song you're listening to.
no music, just silence

13. Do you use a feed reader?
what?

14. What chocolate do you always leave in the box?
the one with other chocolate inside, or the ones with caramel on the inside, or the ones that are dark chocolate. ew.

15. What would you do if you found out your ex is engaged?
been there, done that before, lol. well, if this one said that to me, I'd say, "wow, that was quick" and be quite quite sad, but I've already reasoned with myself that those types of things are the way of life. Either get used to it or fall off, I suppose.

16. Do words hurt you?
Of course they can. That little childhood riddle about sticks and stones don't mean shit. I should stick a stick up the ass + throw a stone at the person who made that up.

17. Are you a talker or a listener? Is it ever possible to really be both?
Of course you can be both. Anything is possible. I fluctuate. I'm definitely a listener, but I enjoy speaking just as well. Just depends.

18. Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
The beach in Boca 3 Spring Breaks ago when my friend was caking and I was forced to make small talk with my friend's wanna-be-significant-other's unattractive friend. I've also been on Melbourne Beach at night, though I was terrified and saw an electric eel in the water. Oh yeah, and the beach on Treasure Island near Clearwater. I think that's all.

19. Who is your favorite professional athlete?
don't have one.

20. Which TV show have you seen pretty much every episode of?
I feel like I've seen almost every episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air but I know that's not true. Probably a show like Rugrats or Doug or Ren and Stimpy. Nickelodeon was my thing, man!!

Unless otherwise indicated, all words here are property of Miss Malorie

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