Thursday, February 25, 2010

"can you punch me in the stomach?"

She was standing there, peeling string cheese and eating it methodically, as she said, matter-of-factly, the words that most young, sexually active women don't want to have to say: I'm pregnant.

She wasn't talking to me, but rather to a friend of hers in the room with us. As I sat on the floor folding clothes, I stopped and looked up at her, listening to her talk to the other girl about her news.

Friend asked her, how far along are you? Pregnant girl says she doesn't know. I listen to her story a little more, and then, with slight hesitation, I told her, well, congratulations, with a slow smile. I usually don't say congratulations to people, because I've experienced people I know getting pregnant unexpectedly, not wanting to be pregnant, etc. We don't seem to live in an age when pregnancy is a planned, joyous event anymore, so I usually don't say anything until the person has given me the feeling that they are excited. But today, you just never know.

Clearly, I spoke too soon. Pregnant girl kind of rolled her eyes toward the ceiling when I told her congrats, and as Friend asked her another question, Pregnant girl says, matter-of-factly, loudly, I'm getting an abortion.

Not a hint of remorse, not a hint of fear, of frustration, just simply, that she was getting an abortion. She said it as if she'd told Friend she was taking out the garbage.

As a pro-choicer, I've never shuddered at the idea of abortion. Though I don't plan on practicing it, I have never felt it right for someone to tell someone else what they can or cannot do with their body, with their life. It never made me shudder. Until that moment.

It wasn't the fact that she said she was going to have an abortion. I know, it happens. People get pregnant when they didn't want to, when they feel they can't afford it, when they feel they aren't ready... I know that. But it was just the way she said it. Like it was nothing. Like it was commonplace.

I literally felt a chill come over my body, and it wasn't because they turned up the AC in the store. As one of those young, sexually active women, I'm definitely not trying to get pregnant. I don't feel prepared, and these are not the life conditions in which I would want to bring forth life into (no career yet, no husband/partner, etc.). But, that being said... I just know I wouldn't be able to approach the situation so lightly. I would not have gone around telling everyone, I wouldn't refer to my baby as an "it," I just couldn't do that.

It's rather hard trying to articulate these emotions... it's hard because I want to avoid being judgmental and "oh, you shouldn't do that!" I don't know her situation, I don't know her life, I don't know her. All I know is how I feel, and what I think I would do... because at the end of the day... I don't know what I would do until I was in that situation, which I pray I never have to experience.

I guess at the end of the day, my thoughts are this: yes, I am still pro-choice, but I wholeheartedly believe children are gifts from God. I have seen people who have tried for years to conceive and never could. If God decided to bestow that gift upon me, who am I to say I don't want it just because I feel like I am not ready for that gift? Maybe I'm also saying this because I take precautions to avoid pregnancy, so if it did occur, it would pretty much appear to be God telling me, here, child... I don't know. I'm still pondering the exchange I witnessed. All I do know is that it sent shivers down my spine.

Despite the situation, despite your views, abortion is not something to be treated casually. It's not like you're taking out the garbage. It's not as simple as can you punch me in the stomach? It's life. Life that was likely created in a beautiful moment, as great sex can be, and should be. When did babies shift from being great occasions to becoming unwanted accidents?

As I was writing this, The View came on... and coincidentally, their topic for the entire hour is about couples trying to get pregnant, infertility, etc. Yeah, coincidence indeed ;)

Monday, February 22, 2010

I'm still here

I've been gone for a while.

Rest assured, nothing has happened to me. I'm just thinking and living.

Still writing, but just in my notebook rather than on my blog. Some things I'm not ready to tell you yet.

But, I will.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I agree with Sarah Palin

I think Sarah Palin is a turd.

I call her a "turd" because I don't know her personally, so it would be hard for me to call her an idiot. Well, it wouldn't be hard for me to call her an idiot, but I don't like classifying people when I don't know them. That's a dangerous practice.

So, turd it is.

But, I agree with her on something she said recently, regarding use of the word retarded in place of stupid.

Last night I caught the tail end of ABC World News, and the only thing I heard was, essentially, that Sarah Palin was likening Rahm Emanuel's use of the word "retarded" to use of the word "nigger." That's pretty much all they said. So, of course, that didn't sit well with me, because if there's one thing I dislike (and trust me, there are many), I dislike when people try to compare evil to evil. You know, like saying slavery was worse than the Holocaust, or 9/11 was worse than Hurricane Katrina, etc. To me, evil is evil. Don't compare them, because you just get yourself in hot water when you try.

Well, today I went to look for some more information regarding what happened. I am practicing not being so quickly dismissive in my life, because I realized not too long ago that I am, and that's a problem, not only because it leads to me making strong, rash judgments (not me, Miss Non-Judgmental!), but it also means that I don't take the time to think things through. When I make a judgment, I want to make it based upon sound, detailed thought.

So, I found the article (on, no less) about what happened. Apparently, Rahm Emanuel called a bunch of Democrats "fucking retarded." Sounds like something you've said before, doesn't it? I know I have. Even though he said this in August, it leaked recently, and Sarah Palin (who has a special-needs child) made a statement about it, and this is what she said:
"Just as we’d be appalled if any public figure of Rahm’s stature ever used the 'N-word' or other such
inappropriate language, Rahm’s slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities – and the
people who love them – is unacceptable, and it’s heartbreaking."

And I agree with what she said. This is why reading is fundamental, because if you go with what the news tells you, you'll probably end up misjudging a lot of things going on in the world today. The news definitely changed the tone of what she said and left off how she wasn't comparing "retarded" and "nigger," but, was actually including "retarded" in a group of words that has too-common of a usage in today's society. (And too-common of a hurt experienced by people these words have linkage with.)

I knew a young lady in college who would always correct people when they said the word "retarded," and I had, up until that point, never thought about my usage of the word. It's a common insult growing up, and although it wasn't a part of my daily speech, when someone did something silly, I wouldn't think twice if someone said, "man, you're retarded."

Though I may not feel personally offended when someone says, "man, you're retarded," or "man, that's gay," Sarah Palin is right. Because if someone called me a "nigger" as a common insult, or a greeting, or as anything, I'd be ready to knock some heads. But, what kind of educated person could I call myself if I only bring awareness to when people use derogatory language that affects me, but allow all other derogatory language to flow?

So, I think about that when I hear kids at work call each other retarded, and I tell them not to say it, but to correctly verbalize what they are trying to express (such as saying, man you're silly, or man, that was dumb, rather than retarded). Because I am not one of those people sold on the fact that words are just words and that they cannot hurt unless you "give them power." If we continue using words like "gay," "retarded," or "nigger" in everyday speech, it's not that they will lose their hurtful power. Instead, people will just become ignorant to the struggles behind the words. And ignorance is failure.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

She's a beast with the words

My favorite is when I furiously type a thought, and then I click spell check and see this... (hint, look at the green underlined phrase in the middle)

Monday, February 1, 2010

Thought blurbs

I love the way Sharri of The Brisk Convergence (coolest blog name EVER) writes in blurbs. Her blurbs, to me, are more accurately representative of the pattern of thought.

So, color me inspired: from time to time, you'll see blurbs of thought. Short blurbs to give you just a taste of an idea out of my head.

For instance: in another life, I either was, or will be a singer. I would sing my entire day away if I could (and if people could stand the sound of me).

I know exactly what type of singer I would be: facial expression making, smiling while holding a note, closing eyes on the audience, crying and pausing during song, low, low toned... like Lalah Hathaway.

If you ever walk up on me, and I look at you cross, it's probably because you caught me singing, and although I secretly wanted you to hear me, I didn't want you to hear me.

Just a thought.


Writing to you in my work shirt, panties, and socks is quite liberating. I don't have a problem sharing this with you because you can't see me.

A couple entries ago, I spoke about tiring of writing about love so much. It's not that I will ever completely change that formula--I feel love is one of the great mysteries of life, and it's proven to be an elusive component to my life, so as long as I experience it and seek it, I will most likely write about it. But I've recognized in my writing the tendency to get lost in the words and the emotions... and not in a good way. When my emotions overtake me and I have a pen in my hand or my fingers on the keys... watch out.

As a writer, I feel it to be my duty to be able to write through the tough things; to illustrate the things people like to hide. But, I can tell the difference between those times when I am caught in what I consider the Holy Spirit (meaning that I have something sitting on my conscience and I'm moved to write and don't really consider too heavily the things that I'm writing, like right now), and those times when I'm simply caught up in my emotions--there is a difference. Usually, the latter of the two results in very revealing writing, but sometimes that writing is not so good. You know, it's like when your girlfriend calls you crying over something that happened to her that day, and when your girlfriend calls you a few days after something has happened, thus able to really articulate what she wants you to know.

Well, in these recent days of emotional poo (yes, I said emotional poo... think Eeyore on a really rainy day), I've gotten caught in my emotions... and went back to that tried and true formula... thus, the writing that resulted was lackluster, at best. I've removed it for my pleasure (and to your benefit). Because if I get so caught up in being pissed off about something not happening the way I want it to, then I will lose sight of the goodness that came from that something not happening the way I want it to.

In 2010, instead of making resolutions that would have been toast by yesterday's date (January 31st), I'm making a conscious effort to change those things I want to see changed. That means evaluating every step, every day, to make sure it fits the mold that I'm constructing.

Glad you're along for the ride :)

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