Wednesday, April 21, 2010

April 2008 to 2009 to 2010

The passage of time fascinates me. The evolution of people interests me. Going back and reading the things I write is my passageway to the person I once was, and contrary to what you might think, I actually don't go back and read over my own writing very often. So, when I do look back at things I've said (sometimes a year, or a couple years after I initially said it/thought it), I usually am greeted with a nice surprise.

Sometimes, the feelings that I had are no more, and sometimes I still have them. Sometimes I am surprised at my own insight, or at my own folly. Reading things that I have written years in the past is intriguing to me, because it offers me the opportunity to be detached from the writing that has come from my very fingertips. (Especially if the writing pertains to experiences or emotions I no longer have.) So, it's like reading something that someone else wrote. Sometimes I am surprised at my own eloquence, or at the force of my own words. It is at these times when I am reminded that the gift comes from beyond me, not from me.

Last April, I apparently said I was ready to fly.

My head was ready, but my heart wasn't.

Now they are both aligned, and I've got that same feeling I had the April two years in the past, right when I was preparing to graduate.

That April, after having a like/hate relationship (mostly hate) with Gainesville for so long, I finally settled and forgave myself for my mistakes of that first August. And right when it was time for me to leave, I got the feeling that I have now: awww man, everything's finally fallen into place. That sensation is exactly what tells me it's time to go.

I'd finally settled into Gainesville; I had my best friend (after much prayer for one), and I felt like Gainesville and I had finally come into accord with one another. Of course, this happened when it was time for me to leave. But I knew it was time to go.

And now, with two months before I call another city my home, I've got that sensation again. Things have fallen into place. I've got another best friend (again, after much prayer), I've got some really great, funny people that I know and hang out with. I've started to enjoy the kids I work with more than I did when I started with them. Though my hometown and I never had the problems Gainesville and I did, it took us a second to settle into some type of relationship with one another.

And now that we have one, it's time to go. Time to go through the growing pains (which are becoming less painful) of adjusting to more new surroundings. I made a promise to myself a while ago, and though I'm not sure whether I was just bullshitting with myself or not, I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself get too comfortable. I don't ever want to be complacent. I want to always be super-aware, always ferociously experiencing what life has to offer. I don't want to fall into routine; don't want to set myself up for the recliner of middle age.

So, I am comfortable. And because of that, it's time to shake things up again. Well, not quite time yet, but it's coming. And as always, I might not be ready, but I know it's time.

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