Monday, May 31, 2010

I'm always so "random"

I debated about posting this, but eventually decided to go for it. I wrote it specifically to post, anyway.

A "random" list for the blog: 05/25/2010, 2:28 pm

*one of my favorite children at my job gave me another Silly Band today. Their reason for giving it to me: because they didn't know what it is. As soon as she put it on the table, I said "Alfred Hitchcock." It was the unmistakable shape of Alfred Hitchcock's face from his nightly show. She stared at me blankly and shrugged. Another student asked me if it was Sherlock Holmes. I again said it was Alfred Hitchcock. She said, "I don't know who that is."

*I've lived in Florida for 21 years. Most people I've talked to have also lived in Florida for long amounts of time. Actually, it doesn't matter how long you've been here, if you've spent one summer here it's enough to know that it's hot here. Really hot. I don't understand the significance of complaining about shit that is already understood. Yes, it gets hot as closed-in balls here. No, it doesn't make anyone feel better when you say everyday how hot it is as if it's something new. In fact, you're contributing to the heat by opening your hot-ass mouth.

*Some people have called me a loner aka Miss Anti-social. I'm not, actually. When I want to be alone, sure. But I am generally a social individual. I just never have anyone to lay claim to. I have friends, always have, but a lot of these friends tend to have other friends they always hang with. And when you have someone you always hang with, it tends to edge the little people (like me) out of your plans. Sometimes I take it personal, but then I shake the rising anger off and realize that that's just me. As much as other people always hang with someone else, I also don't try my hardest to get my way in their plans. I usually will ask someone a couple of times about hanging, and then if they don't take any initiative, I stop. I don't want to be anyone's burden. This also applies to boyfriends. What this essentially means is that a). I have faith that one day I'll have this always hang group (--my family is my always hang group. They always want to see me, and I don't always have to ask them first), and b). one day someone will make me feel like my company is always being solicited, rather than me always soliciting someone else's company. Call me selfish, or needy. Or human.

*I've touched on always feeling outside of the circle, and I've realized why-- I'm always in the right circles at solitary times. I graduated college at a different time than all my friends, I avoided Facebook during the end of my college career (people still ask me where I disappeared to), I have a job, and a general routine when most of my friends don't have any type of schedule (due to recent graduation), etc. Oh well. Occupational hazard.

*I hate the word "like." Every time I catch myself saying it, I cringe and miss the days of 5th grade when my teacher banned it. (She also made us write only in proper cursive.)

*I hate that Florida is becoming a type of second New York. Credit this to the wave of New Yorkers moving here. There's nothing I can't stand more than people who've lived down South for plenty of time, extolling the virtues of someplace they ostensibly left for better opportunities. Color me insensitive, or Southern, but it's another one of those things I don't understand. (Like complaining about the heat when you live someplace hot.) Don't get me wrong--I loved NY when I visited, and I'm excited to go back. But I want where I live to be where I live. Meaning, if I live in NY, I don't want it to be like Florida. And if I live in Florida, I certainly don't want it to be like New York. Call me sensitive, but this shit was old to me since ninth grade. (--in high school, I [of course] had friends who were from NY... and curiously their "accent" was strong, regardless of whether they only lived there until they were five, or whether they only had an accent when they asked for ish like coffee.)

*One of the kids told me she liked my 'fro, and said that on some people, it looks like they shouldn't do it, but on me, it looked good. +10 points for the day.

*I've decided that my wants in relationship-land travel much deeper than seeking out a boyfriend. I want someone who makes me feel like I belong to them (not in a bitch, I pay your bills, go make my damn sandwich kind of way), someone who makes me feel (without trying) that every piece of my existence is valued. Even the not so great parts. You can have a boyfriend who doesn't make you feel that way.

*When my hair is big and 'fro-ed out, every time I see myself in the mirror, I kiss my reflection. And when I walk, my swagger is on. And I feel like there's 70s background music playing when I walk.

*I hate when people say something farcical or give an opinion that doesn't make sense and the other person in the conversation capitulates to, "well, I guess so..." I'd rather them end with a hmph and silence than to capitulate and reward the other person with a gift of being correct when they really are not.

*At my old job, there was an employee I couldn't stand. Let's call him... Victor, for the sake of the conversation. Victor didn't do shit. I mean shit. He came to work half dressed, and generally late. Sometimes he was affable and cracked jokes, but sometimes he was morose and didn't speak to any of us. I couldn't stand him. Not because I knew him personally or even consumed enough information about him to dislike him, but because I hated what he represented. To me, he represented the employee who didn't have to do shit but go into the computer lab with his group and listen to/watch hip hop videos on YouTube. He was barely reprimanded; never got fired. While I was up to my elbows in kid germs, whines, and coloring pages, he let his group do as they pleased, for the most part. When I went outside and stood in the field (which had no trees, mind you) with my group, getting bitten by mysterious bugs and unprotected sun exposure by the minute, he grabbed a chair from inside and promptly sat down. In the shade.

I disliked him, as you could see.

But maybe, just maybe, I've turned into Victor. At my job, right now, I'm sitting with my back toward the kids, writing this. I use my phone constantly. I talk to the kids, of course, but I generally only stick to my rotating circle of favorites. I don't do any activities. I disregard what my supervisor says. I use my time at work to read and write. (--to be fair, we aren't scheduled to do any activities, and pretty much everyone at work uses their phone and hangs out, as long as we watch the kids. Glorified babysitting, so I'm not too much of a rebel.)

I'm not saying I'm advocating the existence of employees like Victor. He had a bunch of other negative qualities I can't get past, but I'm just saying that maybe I understand his perspective. Because I've gotten to the point on my job where I don't really give a fuck.

*qualities that I've decided a man must possess (a work in progress):
  • he must be a ham, meaning he must never be too cool to crack a joke, or to make me laugh. not in the I'm-trying-to-be-the-next-stand up-comedian kind of way, but in the I'm-naturally-funny kind of way.
  • he must do something other than drink, or club, or video games, or hanging out with the friends (--meaning, he must have a hobby, even if he thinks it's dorky, like knowing all the names of the X-Men, or knowing how to bake a perfect cake. And no, this list is not exhaustive.)
(Did I ever mention how hard it is to type something verbatim? Now I'm tired of sitting here. Happy Memorial Day--remember those who fight for us to live in the free world... and those who have died to see to it that we remain in the free world. Holllllllllla....)

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