Friday, July 16, 2010

purge

I'm going to say it.

If you know me, it's not like it's something you don't know; it's not like it is something you can't pick up from the wistful way I say maybe some day...

Or, maybe you don't know it. Maybe it's not something you can pick up by the way I sigh. Maybe I'm doing a good job at hiding it.

I want a guy. Well, excuse me. I don't just want any ol' guy. I want a man. I don't want an old man, and I don't want a little boy who thinks he's a man. I want a man, securely about my age. I want a man who isn't shy about liking me as a person, one who isn't shy about loving everything about me, from the birthmark on my right thigh, to the way I rub my eyes in circles when I wake up. I want a man who doesn't shy away from me expressing the way I feel about him, someone who doesn't tell me my emotions occur too quickly, or too intensely, or that I shouldn't write letters to him. I want someone who likes to go places... who travels, domestic + international. I want a man who teaches me things, but never makes me feel silly for not knowing that which he might. I want a man who is receptive to that which I teach him. I want a man who knows that a simple hand-written card will make me smile and tear up at the same time. I want a man who is not afraid by the fact that I can't wait to have kids, and who conversely understands that I'm not trying to have them tomorrow.

I want a man whom I want to know everything about, every nuance, every hurt, every scar. I want a man who wants to know everything about me, every nuance, every hurt, every scar. I want a man who will understand my fierce love for Al Pacino, Frank Sinatra, Charlie Brown, and singing out loud. A man who will get me different types of flowers on different types of days, just because he wants to say hi. A consummate romantic. A man who does not fear uncontrollable tears, but understands that sometimes, they just happen. A man who does not tell me that Prince is gay, but can appreciate his artistry and watch Purple Rain with me and crack up at the 80s of it all.

I want a man whom I love through all space, time, and dimension. Time has already shown that this is not a difficult feat for me. But for once, I'd like him to love me through all space, time, and dimension as well. I want him to prove to me that all the bullshit theories and articles don't mean shit in the face of real love. I don't want me to be out of sight, out of mind for him, and I don't want one of us to have to love less than the other*. I don't want us to not have to have sex for a certain number of days, weeks, hours, years to prove our relationship to be real and strong, and I don't want us to have to go on a certain number of dates, have a certain number of conversations, or share a certain number of significant facts about the other to solidify how we feel. I want to be able to follow my heart and my intuition, and I want him to do the same.

I want a man who prays, for himself, for me, and for others. I want a man who will pray with me. I want a man who's not afraid to cry in front of me, a man who doesn't make me feel like a child when I cry in front of him. I want a man who holds my hand. I want a man who kisses me for no reason. A man who stares at me just because.

Stop.

Purge over.

Regardless of wanting all this, I still don't know if I'm ready. Clearly, I'm not ready, because I'm still questioning myself and whether what I want is viable, or even "right."

*Sigh* maybe one day...


*--Ignore the article (unless you want to read it), but I didn't screen it for likeness to my own views. I just linked it because it had the definition of the principle I happened to read my Freshman year of college, while browsing my Human Sexuality and Culture book, sitting in the computer lab near a man who clearly loved me much, much less than I loved him.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Niiiiiiiccccceee!

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