Tuesday, August 31, 2010

my inability to hide my facial expressions is ruining my chances at being a normal human being

I'm walking to my car to buy biscuits to eat for lunch, because the gumbo soup, Campbell's soup shit that I bought the other day when I was shopping and pretending like I had money, tasted like absolute water with spicy ass, fake ass sausage in it.

The sun is in my face. I don't have on my sunglasses because this isn't home and I'm not familiar enough with the contour of these streets to ride without the over-protection of my Versaces. So, I keep my glasses on, and the result is that I am squinting my eyes because the sun is getting inside my corneas, making it so sight is practically impossible without looking like a dried up prune, or like a child who is frowning.

But realistically, I am frowning. I'm frowning as I walk to my car, and I know that when I get to my car, I will lessen my pout, because I will have a few moments of freedom; driving less than half of a mile to get biscuits and talk to my mom on the phone.

In reality, I am frowning. I am frowning because I am thinking about all of the things I would rather be doing, I am frowning because I dislike the fact that I am complaining, because there are many people who would take my place in a heartbeat's half-tick, and leave me to their less appetizing life plates. I am frowning because the sun is in my face. I am frowning because I'm still mad about that soup shit. I am frowning because I can; I am frowning because I feel like a big baby and I want to pout because things are not the way I want them to be. I am frowning.

And it is while I'm frowning that I realize that my facial expressions are completely and utterly ruining my chances for being a normal human being. I don't lie, because I can't--I say that everything's straight, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, and I barely believe myself. I've become so in-tune with the truth--the truth of myself--that lying is a waste of my borrowed breath. You'd probably believe me, because you wouldn't know any better, but I don't lie.*

Many people could equate this to simply being my own fault--facial expressions can be controlled, don't be upset, just be happy, I'm sure they would say. But I say that my facial expressions have ruined my chances for being a perfectly normal human being.

I have eaten my biscuits. I am at my desk. And I am frowning. Even if my face is not actually turned down at the corners, my mind is frowning. And that I can feel.


*--this is a lie.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

WOW!!!!!!

I love the last paragraph. This whole post was painfully beautiful, as I can identify w/ how you feel...but lack the ability to write it out so eloquently.

Miss Malorie said...

Thanks lady! :) I said the first line in my head (as I usually do) as I was walking to the car to get those biscuits (they were good, I might add), and when I got back, I went into that trance that I get into when I write sometimes, where I can't focus on anything except my stream of consciousness. If I could learn to do this on command, I'd probably be more relaxed. Lol.

Anonymous said...

Yes...more relaxed. I need that in my life. :)

Miss Malorie said...

You and me both!

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