Sunday, September 19, 2010

tired of this...

as i paint my toenails in the continued silence of morning slipping into afternoon, i realize that i am ready to rip my skin from my body--i can't handle the silence any longer. but in the same instant, i need the silence to envelop me, and take me away--one of my roommates is playing some godforsaken music/sound from his room, and i want to take a hammer to the sound's source--i want my silence back.

all at once, i am a bundle of contradiction, and i remember what it's like to feel this way, and i wish it would go away. i don't desire spending another day of my life lying around simultaneously hating and loving something or someone ever, ever again.

i have spent my entire morning in silence, with the hope that it would give my mind and my heart a clearer path to communicate with one another, but all i have really successfully done is thought about any and everything my brain could run through. maybe that's the sign that my brain and heart have successfully communicated.

i would much rather talk to you, than to sit in silence. but i guess after these past almost two years, there's nothing left to say. (ouch.) i would much rather lie next to you, with your hands about my body, but i guess i've learned that all you really do like is my body, this damned body that i wanted so much when i was younger, that now seems to bring me nothing but trouble and misplaced intention. (ouch again.)

what are you supposed to do when you need the silence that's killing you?

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