Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Things I don't fucking get, part II

Editing note: I am now posting this at least a couple of days after I initially wrote it, so I don't even feel the same about it anymore, but it was definitely at its funniest when I was sitting in my car, eating my lunch on a cloudy day.
-M

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Part two of Things I don't fucking get. Not going to lie, I am writing this after having had an amazing evening with some great coworkers, and someone I really respect, so my sarcastic edge might not be the same as it was this afternoon during the frustration of work, but I'm going to give it all I got.

11. My simultaneous love/dislike of my womanlike1

I'm 23 now. When I was 17, I was slim. I'm still slim, but I was slimmer. My thighs were barely enough to speak of, and my breasts were petite handfuls. My booty had sprouted enough to spark conversation from those who had nothing better to talk about (i.e. little boys thinking they were men), but I definitely wouldn't have considered my body womanlike, not at all. Looking back at pictures, I definitely wouldn't consider it womanlike.

Like I said, I'm still slim, but the womanlike has definitely made its arrival. My thighs are definitely soft--not like a tub of lard2 soft, but like a firm pillow soft, and my breasts are thicker handfuls these days that bounce when I'm walking at a fast pace. My booty is now my ass, my ass that I can feel moving up and down as I walk. Occasionally, I'll take a glance when I'm walking out of my bathroom at all the mass that now belongs to me. Sometimes, I think it's sexy. Really sexy. Like when I'm throwing it back on him--yeah, I said it--or when I'm walking naked around in my room. It feels powerful, sometimes.

And then, there are other times when I am self-conscious. Like when he's running his hand down my stomach, and I worry about whether he'll be turned off by the softness. Or when I saw that picture of me from one of the first events I went to in Miami, and immediately thought damn, that's how big my legs look when I sit down? I love these moments of powerful embrace much more than the moments of oh my God, that's me much, much more. Especially since I'm still definitely in the category of slim.

12. Still wanting to have a baby after working with kids for 5 years

Well, in looking at this list, I realize that I do really get why, and I'm going to spare you all the details of why. I was just being snarky when making my lunchtime list and yelling at myself for being so damned honed in to my maternal instincts that my breasts practically lactate when he lays his head on my lap. #Justsaying

13. Why people see email as a representation of yourself (i.e. need to use proper grammar, etc.) but not texts

I am a proper texter. I hve nvr txted ne1 a msg tht looks lke this. I judge people when they send me a message that looks like that. (Thankfully, 99% of the people I text never send messages like that.) I just don't understand. If you wouldn't send an email that looks like you were typing with one hand while trying to fight off a bear with the other3, then why would you send a text like that? Just because it's immediate doesn't mean it should be stupid-looking. (Maybe people really do email like that, and I'm just blissfully unaware.)

14. Why people can't fucking write

You can blame it on my bias because I am a writer, but I really take offense when people can't write. And I don't mean, when your handwriting isn't up to par. But I mean when people are asked to write something to be seen by others (in most cases, by many others), and it reads like shit. Incorrect punctuation, terrible grammar, missing words, ADD of writing style... it really pisses me off. I understand that writing isn't everyone's thing, but if you are writing something that you know is going to be read by at least ONE other person, I would think that you would take the effort to make sure it is up to par. Clearly having never learned the rules of writing is one thing, but appearing as though you didn't give a shit and just excreted all over the paper is another.

15. Why I chew on ice when I'm always cold

*sings* I get it from my momma. Next.

16. Why things operate the way they do

Oh yeah, I was definitely on it at lunch time. Just spewing shit on to the paper as I held on to my hamburger in the other. I generally spend a lot of time wondering why things operate in the manner they do. Why do schools operate the way they do? Why are kids taught for the FCAT and not for anything else? Why do teachers make shit so boring? Why don't people care more? Why do we have to work for money and not for the passion of what your job entails? Why does cash rule everything around me? Why are kids so angry?

I could go on and on, but I spend a lot of time pondering these things.

17. Why schools are built on tons of land but barely use a third of it

On my way home from lunch, I saw a school yard with so much grass; so much space... you could have a small circus on the amount of land that was being unused. The school I work at is the same. I'm sure they probably have at least an acre--keep in mind, I have never physically measured an acre, and probably don't know what an acre looks like, but I know it's a lot of land--of land, and they barely use it. Children should have the experience of running through the grass, being silly and enjoying themselves... especially if they have plenty of grass with which to make this happen.

18. Why people bitch about unfixable things

I don't like to say things are unfixable... but, some things are. Some things are out of your control, and that's a fact that is good to know. Can I fix the fact that I tried to think of something really clever to say but was ultimately unsatisfied with my effort so decided to write this sentence instead? possibly, if I just sit here for a long time and keep thinkingProbably not. Does it help for me to sit here and bitch about it, or just keep writing? Exactly. Bitching without plan or ability to fix is simply complaining.

19. Why people ask people to do shit when the latter group of people have to do shit

My father actually brought this to my attention, during one such day when I was actually holding a hamburger from the same place, sitting in the parking lot, considering the status of my lifewhen we were having a chat. He said that an old boss told him to never ask people to do you a favor when it was something they had to do. I had never considered this before. I'm sure I have vocalized something in that way... it just seems lighter than telling someone that they have to do something, but in my current role as a supervisor, this is something I have to give significant thought to. I'm glad my dad dropped that nugget on me. I will make sure to not ask anyone to do me a favor if it's not actually a favor. Hell, it's hard enough to get people to do things when they are mandatory, let alone when they are favors.

20. Why I like kids better than adults

No need for thought here. I get this shit. Kids are cool. Adults frequently are not.



1womanlike is a term that's really not a term at all, but something that he said to me one time when we were hanging out... he said that I was "getting all womanlike," and the term stuck (with me).
2is lard even soft? I've never touched it to see.
3don't ask. I don't even know where I was going with that.

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