Tuesday, November 2, 2010

scenes from my notebook

I've been neglecting writing lately. Not because I want to, of course. I've been writing snatches at work, but that is not enough, and I apologize, to you, as well as myself.

After starting to share something else with you, I decided to look deeper into my notebook, and found something more poignant to share with you. That other piece made me wrinkle my nose in distaste of it.

As always, it comes from the heart of me.

m.
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The thought lingers with me that I am lucky I caught him when I did...

There must be some explanation for why my life has been tainted with the color of him, forever altered. There must be some reason why when he exists inside of me, his stroke threatens to boil my skin off my body; must be some reason why my eyes overflow with tears from the beauty of him. There has to be a logical reason why after the dust has settled on our arguments and disagreements, why I still can't stand to be without him; why being angry with him seems such a waste of time.

Still searching, there's got to be a reason why the sight of his brown eyes, bright like a child's, bring a smile to my heart. Someone's got to be able to tell me why my world is simply more colorful as long as he's in it...

... I decide that maybe I was just lucky to have caught him when I did. This, coming from me, seems horribly contradictory--I say it all the time that I don't believe in luck; no coincidences. And I don't believe in luck. I firmly believe that that... night... well, I believe that was fate...

Yes, I do believe it was fate that brought us together that night, but maybe it was luck that we came together when we did...*

I've written about this thought before, but maybe there is nothing else for us. Maybe this is the end of the road for us together--maybe we were granted this short time together, like the quick flash of a beautiful sunset, to form a bridge together in order for both of us to reach our next road.

Often, I wish I could cheat the dealer of time; I wish I could have met him earlier in life, with the notion that I would have liked to see what kind of person he was then; to see how he looked, how he spoke, to have been his friend. In reality, all of that is true, but the most stunning admission of my heart is that I would have simply liked to have met him sooner because I would have liked more time to have loved him...

And, though our joined time may be ending for now, I pray it's not really the end. Nothing is really over until death. The thought still lingers with me that maybe I was lucky to catch him when I did. Like a shooting star, or a dusk's sunset, or a 4th of July sparkler, all are awe-inspiring in their own way, and so short lived that their marvel seems to transcend all other.

It seems that before you can blink, or catch your breath, or realize the moment--
--the moment is gone.
(September 30, 2010... before I could recognize the moment that was October, it was gone, and now it's November, and I'm going to try and recognize the hell out of this moment before it leaves me...)

*--has something so extraordinary ever happened to you, that it countered the very logic of what you believed? (like not believing in luck, but feeling like you were so damn lucky for getting the opportunity to know someone?)

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