Tuesday, March 29, 2011

daydreaming, and I'm thinking of you... or not

maybe I'm a dreamer
you're still my queen
your love's like a river, girl
it's running right through me

share my life, hey girl,
you can trust in me, baby
you're all I want, hey girl
you're everything I need, hey babe

I love midday radio, a fact only marginally unrelated to today's thought. I feel as though in the afternoon, the commercials are less frequent, there's barely the presence of talk radio hosts (at least, not until you are certifiably in the mid-afternoon, like 2 or 3 pm), and, if I'm able to catch midday radio, that usually means I'm in the car escaping from being bored at work taking a lunch break.

Anyhow, I was escaping on break today when Kem's "Share My Life" came on. I think it's a positively gorgeous song, from the arrangement, to the lyrics, to the flow--muted in places where it should be thoughtful and quiet; expressive and bold in places where it should be telling. I do fancy the song.

As I drove with my eyes squinting from the sunlight in my face (where the hell are my sunglasses?), singing along with the radio, I found myself smiling wistfully, thinking to myself that I would love to have a man feel that way about me.

Girl my sun sets/anywhere you are


I tried to picture a man singing those types of words to me, and then tried to picture a man saying those types of words to me, and then I realized that I found myself at the cusp of the daydream, unable to continue it through; unable to continue the thought that a man would say those types of things to me.

No, it's not an issue of me lacking in knowledge of my worth. Trust, I do believe that I'm worthy of being someone's weakness. I want someone to write a song because they need me. I want to be all that someone wants.* I am valuable, and I deserve someone who recognizes that.

So no, that's not the reason why. I can't necessarily say that it's even because I've never had a guy express such romantic sentiments to me. (I know. Believe it or not, there was a time when the romance I sought actually existed, though, in classic fashion of life, I wasn't really cognizant of it. Isn't it ironic, don't you think?)** Lately though, the guys I've been significantly interested in have not been the most romantic of fellas (letters, not wanted, candlelit lovemaking sessions, eh, not valued by all***) and maybe that's why I have trouble sustaining the reverie of a man being able to reenact the sublime nature of the song.

But, in the middle of this attempted daydream, I realized that my lack of visualization didn't end there--I also couldn't seem to sustain the vision of myself accepting or reciprocating the emotion in the song. At first thought, this doesn't make any sense. Not me, the moody Cancer, the hopeless romantic, the crier, the always-in-love-with-someone-or-something girl. Me, incapable of daydreaming about reciprocating or receiving emotion? Sounds like dirty lies.

Maybe, however, my experience with guys has made me awkward, or maybe I have always been awkward (it pays to be self-aware), or maybe I was just simply suffering from post-lunch/midday/it's-cloudy-and-I'd-rather-be-in-the-cut delirium that caused me to be incapable of imagining something that sounds sweeter than dutch apple pie and Blue Bell vanilla ice cream; regardless, in that moment, I couldn't imagine a man extolling my virtues in such a way, and I couldn't imagine accepting or reciprocating such compliments.

That being said, is it possible that I am not able to imagine such compliments because I am somehow preventing them from happening? If we attract the same type of energy that we put out into the universe, is it possible that I am incapable of attracting that standard which I actually want?

I have always been the type to really long for love and relationships: to want the steady boyfriend, to want the marriage, to want the romance, etc. Conversely, I also stand by the notion that love and relationships have not wanted much to do with me, whether due to fault of my own, the universe's own plans, etc. After what feels like many seasons of not being able to attain (or maintain) that which I so desire, I feel like I've reached the place where I don't care about the same things anymore. I don't care if I'm the "proper" girlfriend or wifey material; I don't care about having the steady boyfriend like I used to; I'm not sure if marriage is the option anymore. I am satisfied being me, and enjoying my life, and if "it" happens, then so be it, but I'm also acknowledging the fact that if "it" doesn't, it doesn't.

Despite the fact that deep down, I seem to still long for love and relationships, if more of me is saying "no" to that idea, then that is the vibe I'm putting into the atmosphere, the "no" rather than the "yes." And if we attract the energy we put out, then that means I am attracting men who also have the same nomadic emotions as I. Thus, creating an emotional set up when my more surface feelings give way to the deeper, less transient feelings that inevitably are less likely to be reciprocated, due to some variables.****

Is it possible that I'll never attract that which I want most of all? And if I seem to want one thing deep down and another thing on the surface, can it be said that I unequivocally know what I actually want after all?


*--paraphrased from actual song lyrics
**--before I recognize this moment/this moment will be gone--John Mayer, "Clarity"
***--there's always an exception to the rule :)
****--due to my age bracket, and the difference in feminine maturation versus male maturation, it makes more sense that a guy who doesn't seem to want to settle down is more likely to actually not want to settle down, unlike women who "don't want to settle down" until someone comes along to change their minds.

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