Wednesday, March 30, 2011

even though we don't have penises, women have needs too

I don't want your number boy, just want your body
you can keep the conversation for some other hottie
I got a one-track mind, baby don't worry
no dinner dates or movies, just come on and hurry
-Jazmine Sullivan, "Don't Make Me Wait"

That's right, it's been a long time
since I've had a man that did it real good
if you ain't scared, take it out
I'll do it like a real live, nasty girl should

Tonight I'm living in a fantasy
my own little nasty world
Tonight, don't you wanna come with me
do you think I'm a nasty girl?
-Vanity 6, "Nasty Girl"

"Jazmine Sullivan's a freak, I ain't know." -one of my team members

The quote above is the preface I received before listening to one of Jazmine Sullivan's new songs, duly titled "Don't Make Me Wait." (And, if you knew better, you'd know not to make me wait. Anyhow.)

Let me tell you a little something about this word "freak." This is part of the male lexicon that has been inextricably linked to descriptions of me for as long as I can remember, and I have no problem telling you this because such lexicon has been tied to me on unfounded grounds. (You know, like when you hear some shit and even though it doesn't really make sense to you, you repeat it to someone else, and then it doesn't make sense to neither one of y'all? Yeah. Let us continue.)

Reasons why I've been termed a "freak" from my perspective:
A). because I wear glasses
B). because I wasn't having sex
C). because when I was having sex I wasn't messy about it
D). because I speak properly
E). because I read
F). because I write
G). because I'm smart
H). because I smile
I). because I don't wrinkle my nose at masturbation or fellatio
J). because I have a vagina
K). because I'm honest
L). because I'm naturally taller than most people
M). because I'm comfortable in my own skin and happen to think it's sexy as fuck

Now, if you notice, most of these reasons actually have nothing to do with sex. Might I also let you know that in most cases, in fact, actually all cases, I have been labeled as "a freak" by men whom, mind you, at the time of them saying this, I hadn't actually had sex with. And when I asked why they felt this way, I never could get much of a straight answer. They just seemed to "know." How can you know something sexually about someone you haven't had sex with? If you see a Beemer in a parking lot and decide that it looks like a smooth ride, despite whatever clues you may think you have pushing you toward this conclusion, you still won't know until you test drive it. (And if I had to be a Beemer, I'd be a white one with white leather. No self-hate. It's just fresh as fuck. Anyhow.) We'll explore the fallacy of this thinking momentarily.

So, back to today. I was sitting there, listening to Jazmine's song, instantly in love with the beat, and when I started listening to the words, and thinking about what my team member said about her being a freak, I grabbed a pen and started jotting down my thoughts, just knowing that I'd be writing about this later.

In all fairness to my team member, he was joking when he said she was a freak (based on the song), but his joke sparked my more critical thinking. The sole reason why women can even be regarded as freaks is due to our social constructs. Historically, women are to be many things: seen, but not heard (hence, assertive women quickly being labeled as "bitches"), driven, but still submissive to a man (hence, why so many women who have made it up the ranks professionally seem to be single), and, the big one, sexual, but only so much so. (Hence, women who explore the same sexual liberties as men being quickly labeled as "sluts" or "whores.")

The word "freak" struck such an immediate chord with me. She's a "freak"--but why? For expressing a normal human (not solely male) desire that a lot of people like to pretend doesn't exist? She's not interested in the common rigmarole that we all put up with (sometimes joyfully, sometimes not so much so) when trying to get to "know" someone*, she's interested in revelling in the joys of a man's physical manhood. Sometimes, it be like that. Sometimes, you don't feel the need to know someone any further than how they make your body sing, and is that wrong? Is it not a human necessity to be able to carry out our more lustful desires?

So many concepts in this life are based solely on societal norms--and who gets to determine what's "normal"?

Think about it.

*--the reason why I term it as "rigmarole" is because it is quite the ritualistic thing, so much so that we don't even question its necessity (or lack thereof). Yeah, it's good to spend time in the beginning getting to know someone, but the truth of the matter is that in that three month span that you spend getting to know someone, you still, believe it or not, don't actually know that person. You are now aware of their daily habits, how they communicate, how they may think (if you're deft enough to be paying attention), but you sincerely don't "know" that person. I can look back at my most recent ex and I. I remember what I thought of him and what I thought I knew of him when we were at three months of knowing each other. It doesn't compare to what I think of him and what I know of him after two years of knowing him. And I can further recognize that even after two years of knowing him, I still don't "know" him per se. It takes a long, long time to really get to know someone on a very real level. So, if you know that's not what you're interested in, why play the game? Just be up front and take it from there.

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