Friday, March 11, 2011

prayer answered/perspective

Before I recognize this moment/this moment will be gone...
-John Mayer, "Clarity"

Appropriate that the song is entitled "clarity." Once upon a time, whether it was a dark, starry night in East Orlando, or whether it was a sunny day on the road, moving, I prayed for clarity. I prayed to God to see things as they are, not as I want them to be. I can remember going to sleep numerous nights, murmuring that phrase to myself as I fell asleep, to remind myself of the prayer I didn't want to be in vain.

Today, I had a moment of clarity, which often happens before I can recognize it; hence, the perfect marriage of song title and content via Mr. Mayer. I've had moments like this before; I just didn't know what to call them.

I feel like my words are falling on top of each other unpleasantly in my attempt to describe what was visceral.

When I walked out of the building today, after one of our group conferences, and after my team did a phenomenal job on the presentation we had to do today, I realized that it all works. All of my crabbiness, all of the tensions of different personalities mixing, the problems between two of the members, all of my concern about whether all of the individual components would be able to come together well--it's all fine, and it all worked. Everyone did a marvelous job, and I realized that all of the worrying I'd done was for naught.

(I'm a worrier. I get it from my father. I've seen in the last couple of months just how true this genetic trait is. Parenthood is going to be some type of holy hell for me, because I'm going to worry about my kids every possible second; this I feel coming.)

They did wonderfully, and I cried, as I knew I would do (and tried to deny initially). I felt a surging of pride and love for them, unlike I've ever felt. They've always had the potential, but today I saw it executed, and the thing was that I saw it executed collectively. That's a big deal for a leader of a team. If you don't believe me, ask someone who is responsible for leading a team.

As I walked out of that building, with the award they made for me in my hand ("Queen Bee/el capitan"), and with the sun in my eyes and the breeze tossing a lock of my hair, I realized that these are the days I'm going to think of in a few months, and these are the days that are going to make my heart squeeze real tightly in bittersweet reverie. These are the types of days that are going to make me miss Miami.

For as much as I have complained, and as much as I've not liked, today my perspective made that final shift to a much better and different place than it was when I began this journey. I am proud of my team, my entire team (my manager included), and I am deeply appreciative for what they and others have done for me. Things may not be perfect, and they never are, but I have a family here in Miami. You may not always like them or want to deal with them, but you always, always love them. And I will always, always, always love the people I've met here. I'm hoping that we are forever friends.

Knowing that you are slated to go somewhere else aids in perspective shifting. It happened right before I was leaving Gainesville almost three years ago. A place that was so reviled by me, and knowing that it was all coming to an end shifted my perspective into that last critical phase: well, it's not so bad after all.

When I was first moving to Miami, the prevailing sentiment was that it's only a year; a year's not that long, which is true. But the year didn't necessarily fly by. Somehow that phrase doesn't get to the essence of what the feeling is. It feels like the year stealthily stole by us all. It feels hard to believe that a year ago this time, I was working in a middle school in my hometown, feeling perpetually troubled by the fact that I wasn't "doing" anything. Well, in thinking about the fact that I'm almost three years out of college (May 3rd), I've been doing exactly what I said I wanted to do. I said that I wanted to live and experience life. I'm pretty sure I've been doing that. I'll be able to say that within three years I've lived within three different cities. I'll be able to say that within the three years I've met 100+ awesome, awesome people, and that's not an exaggeration. Those are pretty significant.

I'm rambling now, clearly, but my larger point is that, I feel Your clarity, thank You. And that life is not about what you encounter, but how you handle each and every situation you are granted.

I'm in love. With my life. And with the people in it. The end.

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