Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Wednesday woes

Short thought today. Disclaimer is that I'm currently in some kind of feeling, and I don't like it too much.

I need control. I would have never thought this about myself previously, but I need control. When I feel things that make me feel as though there is a possibility that I am giving off an air that I cannot control, this is what usually happens: I think too much, and try my hardest to act like I'm not thinking, which leads to me being quieter than normal, which leads to me giving off a different air.

Then, I get all in some kind of feelings and get cantankerous and remain quiet, thus giving off the air that something is wrong, which is indeed true, but not something I need everyone to know.

Hence, this time around, I'm going to try something different. Instead of succumbing to the neurosis caused by the uncontrollable feelings, I'll take control by doing something that takes a lot more bravery than it should: be honest.

The worst thing that could happen is that my actions could be met with a response I'm not seeking, and, let's be honest--in the realm of feelings, I'm no stranger to being met with responses I'm not seeking. That's part of the reason why I'm even having this slightly one-sided discussion with you now.

At the end of the day, I'm still a person who cares and feels more deeply than sometimes I wish I did, for people who don't seem to outwardly make sense, for reasons that are quite extraordinarily ordinary, and much faster than most people think is possible. And although I know these abilities were bestowed on me for a reason, that doesn't mean that they necessarily always work to my benefit.

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