Saturday, January 29, 2011

Happy birthday, bloggy love

I started my blog two years ago, on a whim.

My coworker was standing over the desk, almost-spying on me, breaking the barrier of my personal space bubble, and it got on my nerves.

I can't remember how I found this space to open my mind up to you... did I type it on Google, I wonder? Had I ever stumbled across Blogger before?

I can't remember, but I know that I started this two years ago, not imagining or expecting anything, and here we are, two years later.

I am thankful to those of you who read and comment, and I'm thankful for those of you who read-lurk. I'd like to know who you are, one day, but as long as you're reading, I'm appreciating you.

Thank you. Let's grow old together.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Not

as i grow
i keep living this same moment
in different times--
socked feet awaiting shoes;
hair pinned perfectly;
pajama shorts under sweatpants, to be removed later;
staring at the tattoo above my high heel;
watch on my wrist and earrings in my ear--
it doesn't matter
because again i sit
waiting on the phone call that won't come
because you conveniently got tied up
with your oh so busy life
waiting on the text that won't come
because you conveniently fell asleep
without remembering i was waiting on you
waiting on the email that won't come
because you conveniently have your oh so busy life
that doesn't involve me
new day, same shit
and maybe that's because
life is trying to tell me
stop waiting
don't try
let it go
because that phone call
that text
that email
that man
you need more than you like to admit
to yourself
ain't coming
and maybe it's time
you gave that some thought.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

up mixed days

whole bottle of wine gone
ask me politely
fishnet pantyhose
can i...
sloppy urgent kisses
don't understand why
i want you
why this feels
so good i tell all my friends
over drinks
lunch
oranges and cookies
in the park.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

head game

I am writing in haste, let me first tell you this.

I usually always write in haste, but usually the kind that involves my fingers flying faster than I thought they would, because the thought is trying to press out of my skull with each word. The haste I'm writing in right now is because finally something popped into my head that I felt I should write about, but of course this happened in the midst of me cleaning, trying to get ready for my first day back at the school, and about half-an-hour before RHOA comes on. Go figure.
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You know, sex and sexual acts are generally very annoying to me. Well, let me clarify. I mean, they are usually great when I'm involved in a relationship in which I really care about someone, but we all know how often that happens. (*crickets* Exactly.) So, when I'm in the midst of single-dom, and not being in that I-care-about-you-so-much relationship welcome to my everyday life, kids, navigating sex can be tricky, to say the least. I'm sure most people would agree with me when I say that it's always easier to have relations* with someone you know already. If you already know them, and obviously like them enough to engage in relations with them, that probably means you trust them with your body, which for a woman, is deeply, deeply important. (No pun intended.) I have a feeling that men don't have this same dilemma of having to trust a woman with his body. For a man, he makes sex happen. For a woman, sometimes it seems like sex happens to her. It probably has something to do with the fact that he sticks something in, while we receive something inside. Makes things a little more intimate. But that's another thought for another day. (Maybe I should do research on that. Maybe that could become some dissertation way, way in the future.)

Well, the option of having someone around whom you trust and know isn't always an option. Which leaves a few choices. A). don't have relations at all. (This is easy... for a while.) B). have relations with someone you don't know. (This may be appealing to some.) C). have relations with someone you know a bit, and can thereby enact some facade of trust. (Ehhh... not bad.) D). self-relations. (Quick and temporary fix.)

Most people would pick C. I would pick C, if necessary. But the problem with picking C, is the problem with myyour mind raking you over the coals of the decision you've made.

I don't know if this happens to other women, or if I'm alone in this matter, but I find that when I do have relations with that person that I kind of know, but not necessarily that I trust enough to be walking around the next morning booty-butt naked in the kitchen if I even trust you or like you enough to stay over, my mind won't let the encounter die. Not even in a I'm-romanticizing-the-fuck-out-of-this, but in a I'm-not-sure-why-I-did-that type of way.

But the thing is: if I was a guy, would my mind even take me there? Would I even care? Would I even need a reason to have engaged in relations?

Part of me wonders if I even have these thoughts simply because society tells me that I should. Because my upbringing as a female tells me that I'm supposed to have a reason to engage in relations with a guy... a reason that cannot be simply because I'm enjoying the moment or simply because I enjoy the sexual encounter. Take one of my guy friends, for instance. I don't think we've ever had a conversation about a girl that he's slept with, and then had the conversation, "well, I'm not sure why I did that. I don't think it was necessary. Maybe next time I shouldn't do something like that." He doesn't have to feel that way. Men, traditionally, and even still, are the ones who are told to sow their "wild" oats, whereas we women who have some oats--yeah, we have those, and we like to sow them, too--are considered unsavory, not one you'd take home to mom, something that should be tamed.**

So, the problem should be easy. I should just go on about my business, relate with whom I choose, when I choose, and not worry about people and their little opinions. Well, that part's fine. I'm not worried about people's opinions. It's my own opinions that worry me.

And it's the possibility of why my opinions don't easily align that worries me even more.


*--relations means sex, or other caveats to sex, such as oral sex, making out and then engaging in oral sex, etc.
**--to be fair, not all men feel this way. I had a conversation with a busta I used to deal with, and he said that there was nothing wrong with a woman being very secure in herself and having sex with folk. I mean, I'm pretty sure he said this because we were driving to where we would thusly have sex, but still... I'mma count that.

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