but I wear my heart on my sleeve like it's the new fashion
-Lil' Wayne, "Dontgetit"
I'm going to speak right off the top of my heart tonight, so I apologize in advance. I'm not quite sure what the fuck I'm apologizing for, but for some reason, it feels like the right thing to do.
And that's precisely what I want to talk to you about. The "right" thing to do. All day long, all life long, we are conflicted. We're always trying to make sure that we're doing the "right" thing. (Well, some of us, I suppose.) But, "right" is just as subjective as "wrong." Think about it: what can we actually say is the "right" thing to do? We can't necessarily use the Bible--it's not the only holy book around, and Christianity is not the only religion, thus, what's right by Biblical standards will not ring true for everyone. Also, there are things that are supposedly* considered wrong in the Bible that I personally do not think are wrong. (i.e. homosexuality and premartial sex.) Okay, so what's next? Utilizing the law to determine what's "right?" Okay, well we do utilize the law, but laws are made by man, and man is a subjective creature. Remember, slavery used to be considered A-okay by law.
You glimpse my point, right? That "right" is technically subjective. What may be right for you, may not be right for me, may be right for the next person. And I say all that to say: how in the hell do we know what's right? Because it feels right? Well, if we go on the basis of this just feels right, how do we know it actually does? What if it feels right because we've been groomed by former conditioning of what "rightness" is supposed to be?
So, I wrote a couple of posts before this one that touched on issues essentially of nature versus nurture/"rightness": "Think as a lady, and be one, too" and "head game", specifically. In both of these posts, I attacked some very current threads in my life: the idea of programmed womanhood (how much is a result of our wiring and how much is a result of what we're told to be like), and consequently, the idea of what is considered "right" for a woman.
The reason I bring up this entire argument of what's right, and how you determine whether it is indeed, "right," is because this evening I was in conversation with my best sexy guy friend (we will start referring to him as BSGF) when I encountered an epiphany. As I was explaining to him my plans for a specific situation, I realized that my plans had no rationale. I planned on doing something I didn't want to do simply because I thought it was the right thing to do. It felt like the right thing to do. But truth be told... it isn't "right." Not to me, at least. It's not what I want to do, at all, so how could it be "right"? That being said, who is it right to?
So often, I explained to BSGF, I feel like women consistently make moves and try to prove points that often are illogical... but why? Because we feel like it's the right thing to do. Again, but why? Take for instance, what could be any girl's situation. You have sex with a guy once. You like the dude/think he's cool/whatever, and you don't want him to think you're "like that," so next time you want to
I'm not sure why, as a woman, I feel the tendency to prove a point (clearly, to myself and no one else, because it's not proving shit to a dude since it barely proves anything to me) that is unnecessary. Is it my wiring in the sense of my innate nature, or my wiring in the sense of the fodder I've been fed from my surroundings on how to be a woman? Is it both? Essentially, I am acting under conditions of "right" that I didn't set. There have been many times when I have done or not done things because they were the "right" things to do, when they honestly didn't feel right, and weren't necessarily things I wanted to do. But early in life (as women), I feel like we're also taught that active self-denial of our own pleasure is just part and parcel of womanhood. It fits, right? Bear the brunt of humanity, deny yourself pleasure and desire in the name of what's "right."
*-I say "supposedly" because unless I'm going to quote directly from the Bible, I don't feel comfortable giving an affirmative with no fact. You're always suppose to quote your source, and since I'm not taking the time to do that, we'll stick with "supposedly."