Thursday, January 26, 2012

The end, in more ways than one

I've been pondering this for a while, but as it goes with mostly any decision in this vein, today is the day that I've finally decided to turn my ponderings into reality. This is the end of this blog. Today, as I sit here in this room, in complete silence, this is it. After I write this, I'll post my last link on my Facebook, and I'll head over and click that advertisement, allowing me to turn my blog into a book for my safe-keeping; a keepsake from a more confused time in my life.

No, writing is not done, as it will never be, for me. I have a lot of ideas for 2012, those involving a side business, a photo blog, as well as a new blog, probably on Wordpress. But this blog in particular, is a wrap.

There are a lot of memories here, but as it sometimes goes with memories, they aren't ones I really want or need to sit and review anymore. Musings on my college ex-boyfriend, whose silhouette has long faded to a small shadow in my mind; a shadow that sometimes passes over, like a cloud briefly over the sun that is at once there and gone again. That ordeal was so long ago that I now don't know him, but I also don't know the girl who was so enraptured over him. Maybe one day we'll meet again. (He and I, that is, for that girl exists only in memory.) Maybe actually get to know him for the cool person that he seemed to be, before my vision was lost to the fields of a first love.

My last ex-boyfriend/lover/silhouette is also gone, and so are my feelings for him. I tried so hard to make something out of the smoke and mirrors of us; convinced that one day, he would love me as I once imagined I loved him. He proved himself to me, many times over, and I finally allowed myself to see what he'd been saying all along--that his concern was rightfully with himself, and not me. He has disappeared; been lost to the wonders of the world abroad. Maybe one day we'll speak again, even if just so I can gain the closure I need to forgive my foolish heart for always having tried to be loved by men who were severely uninterested in the entirety of me.

In short, I'm in a different place in life now. I was 21 (I think) when I started this blog, and I'll be 25 this year. Might not seem like that many years, but that's a large mental stretch. I have different concerns, different ideas, different wants and plans now. The torment and melancholia and men that mostly comprised my every day musings and frustrated late night posts have gone--or maybe I've finally allowed them due journey. Though I will always wonder, always wander, always be curious about the things around me, love is a subject that seems to have finally found its rest. After writing about love and searching for love for what seems like an endless journey across the sands of my years, it finally came home to repose with me.

I told my God that I would wait on Him. I cried and I said to Him that I would wait thirty years if it took that long, but at long last, my words and my heart finally aligned when I said to Him that I was tired of fooling around, and that I would wait on the man He designed specifically for me. And, not too long after that prayer, that man and I found ourselves in inseparable company. And seven months later, we're still in inseparable company, and not a day goes by that I don't remind myself not to take him for granted. That no matter what other things in my life may not be up to snuff, I've got him, and a long-open void has been filled. The question of love is no longer a question for me. I understand it now, as I was starting to understand it toward the end of my lengthy season of discontent and travel. I have fallen in love with a man who truly is my friend, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

That all being said, anything else I could further write here just wouldn't fit the theme. Hence, it's time to go. It's been time to go for a while, but as always, I waited until I was ready. Until I had the words necessary to bid you a due farewell. For your reading of me, I will forever be thankful. Whether you acknowledged your presence or not, you have been a kind friend to me.

Look for me out there in the blogosphere. I'll be around.


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1 comment:

Miss Avanti J said...

what a wonderful reflective post

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